Culture Clash: We haven’t seen the last of infamous balloon family

Perkins: John Meo, 1, 24-hour news networks, 0. You called it (Meo’s note: Called it immediately). Balloon Boy was a hoax. Those crazies tricked us — most of us anyway. This story might be one of the worst I’ve ever heard. I love how the kid spilled the beans on “Larry King Live.” The Crypt Keeper can get anyone to ’fess up.

Meo: Well, what can I say? My skepticism pays off sometimes. The video of the balloon floating away and the dad kicking the chair was about as scripted a TV moment as I’ve ever seen. Plus, the weirdo was on “Wife Swap.” That is everything you need to know about him.

Perkins: In a twisted way, I wanted the boy to be in the balloon — and land safely, of course. For a short time, I was convinced little Falcon was in the Mylar monstrosity, but as more information was made available by the bumbling news anchors and their random sources, it became apparent the whole incident was a bust. The story is better than most scripted reality shows. Maybe they can sell their story from behind bars.

Meo: See, that’s the problem. Either way, those idiots win. It’s like sending a millionaire/billionaire to jail. Sure, there’s the jail time, but eventually that ends and swanky life gets back to normal. These people want publicity. They’re getting it, even if that means they’ll face charges and lawsuits. In time, some rag or TV station will ante up for the story and what should result in complete alienation results in a small fortune and said fame. Life works backward when it comes to the media.

Perkins: Thanks for the tip. I’m plotting as we speak. We can expect to see Balloon Boy and family resurface on one of those end-of-the-year countdowns. With news stories like that, I think we can prove TV really can rot your brain. On the other hand, a new study shows the Internet is good for your brain. Good thing I spend close to eight hours per day on it.

Meo: Yeah, and the study probably was brought to you by Microsoft or Google. Not buying it. Even at its best, the Internet is bad for you. It’s even infiltrated the language. Google (v.) to perform a search for information using a Web database (taken from its namesake) because memorizing facts is too much work. I’m online in some way or another about 19 hours per day. That’s horrifying. It’s like being in the Matrix without the comforting placental goo or the giant cable rammed into your brain stem. Meo ... Neo ... Uh oh. Maybe I AM The One.

Perkins: In all fairness, the study was conducted with middle-age and older subjects. Many youngsters spend countless hours perusing for junk. I’ve “Googled” some pretty odd things in my day. Using the Web isn’t rocket science, but it certainly takes some finesse, especially for a novice. There’s no going back.

Meo: I’m imagining a steak. And I’m an expert on kung fu and Sanskrit. Waiting, waiting. Nothing. No, there’s no going back, and we have some amazing resources at our fingertips, but I’m as guilty as the next person of wasting what should be infinite learning opportunities because oooohhh, look, Rasputin’s face is on this grilled-cheese sandwich (there’s a photo gallery!) or I want to know which ‘80s sitcom character I am. For the record, I’m Dan from “Night Court.”

Perkins: Not sure where you are going with that, but I think you have proved that you look up useless info. My mom likes to self-diagnose, read the news or find recipes, so she is generally doing productive things. Growing up, I would always hear about how TV rots your brain and can put a grown man (aka, my dad) into a catatonic state, especially on Sundays. At least the Internet keeps your fingers moving and requires some neurons to fire.

Meo: This week’s rapid redirect: Check the film review. It warns of “some sensuality, language, thematic elements and smoking.” SMOKING. The horror. “Thematic elements” are dangerous, everyone knows that, but we don’t need to be warned of smoking in movies, do we Perkins?

Perkins: Ugh, depends what they are smoking. This has been an argument for years. The cigarette tax is sky high, cancer campaigns are everywhere and the Marlboro man is nowhere to be seen. But, if people want to smoke let them smoke. There are so many other things I would like to be warned about.

Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She’s not afraid of swine flu. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. His brain reacts in funny ways to Peter Cullen’s voice.

Culture Clash: Added nickel makes soda, snacks easier to avoid

Meo: Had a few things on my mind this week, but what’s outraged me the most? A can of soda from the office vending machine now costs 90 cents. NINETY CENTS!!

Perkins: Soda should cost a lot so that we don’t want to buy it. In fact, all the junk should because I think I would be less likely to splurge. I am a sucker for junk food, sugar, additives, dyes and all the garbage. Though I am not willingly to part with my midday diet soda. It gets me by.

Meo: It makes more sense for me to drive out to a store and drop a buck fitty on two liters. My favorite part, however, is the lengthy (frankly unreadable) note shifting blame for the price hike. Oh, it’s the bottle bill? Really? I remember when the vending price was 55 cents. While I’m at it, the snack machine leaves quite a lot to be desired in terms of selection and price. It’s junk, but it’s accessible. Now it’s junk and undesirable. Not paying 95 cents for three ounces of fish and onion Cheetos.

Perkins: I did not read the memo because I knew exactly what it said because it was posted on both soda machines. I remember the good old days but the reality is we are catching up with the rest of the machines. The worst is when you scrounge up enough change and then your party mix doesn’t quite make the journey and is left clinging for dear life waiting for the next person to come along and score two.

Meo: I can neither confirm nor deny reports I’ve never been stiffed by a vending machine. But here’s a tip that may or may not dislodge any trapped snack: Lock your arms and drive with your legs. I’m a firm believer in no cookie left behind.

Perkins: Well I have and I want my money back. I wonder if Oprah uses the same force tactics on her guests. She has had some brutally honest guests lately included Whitney Houston and Mike Tyson.
Meo: Did Tyson try to bite Whitney? Shame that’s all that guy is remembered for. Ever read “Sidhartha”? Give it 20 years and we’ll have the sequel, “Oprartha.” Trust me. By the way, I just looked under my seat and found ... a neeeeew ca-AR!!

Perkins: That would have been great TV. He apologized for that incident by the way. He also cried uncontrollably. It was very compelling. Whitney’s interview was so crazy they stretched it on into two entertaining hours. Oprah does good interviews when she is not busy handing out swag and reading books.
Meo: Rapid redirect: Barbie has cankles? React.

Perkins: Says who? Based on the fact she is not built in proportion to a real woman I would guess that she does have cankles. Plus, she walks around in those Barbie-size stilettos. Where is Podiatrist Barbie when you need her?

Meo: Says some shoemaker. Mattel released a statement from Barbie. Not Mattel released a statement ABOUT Barbie or FOR Barbie. FROM. Isn’t that worse than some primped-up cobbler taking a shot at a plastic doll?

Perkins: What did she say? Let me guess: Mattel never made her wear those shoes. It was her choice to squeeze into those feminine, impractical, fashion forward designer torture devices. I’m pretty sure Barbie’s sister Skipper sports Keds. The only problem there is Skipper has flat feet. Oh, to be plastic. I’d say cankles are the least of Barbie’s problems.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. This week she added TIME’s top 100 novels to her bucket list. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. Has a stainless steel one on his list.

Culture clash: Some pursue beauty, youth; others, freakiness

Meo: So, I’m looking (Monday morning) at a perfectly attractive 44-year-old woman who thought she needed plastic surgery. She had fat (there wasn’t much) sucked from one part of her body and jammed into another — take a guess where. She looks unhealthy now, and fake, which she said she didn’t want. Of course, the orange-hued spray-on tan doesn’t help.

Perkins: I do not object to a few nips and tucks. Though I do think doctors say yes too often and poor, naive women end up walking out of the operating room looking like a cat or worse — Lisa Rinna. Plastic surgery should be used sparingly and with a certain amount of discretion. I might spring for Botox; thats about it.

Meo: So, you’d willingly, purposefully, have scorpion venom shoved into your skin? Wow, that’s tough. All for the sake of a youthful appearance. I heard the life expectancy of the average American born in the new millennium will be 100, and we aren’t far off from eternal life. I’m down with that. As long as it doesn’t get to me when I’m 80. I’d consider bionics, synthetic organs, having my brain transferred into a robotic body ... just not a face lift. Where does that fall on the vanity spectrum?

Perkins: I’m all for living to be a century old. I think I can accomplish a lot in 100 years, but it would be better if I looked good doing it. You have been watching too much sci-fi. I think the vanity spectrum has a lot to do with genes and geography.

Meo: Genes and geography have nothing to do with me wanting a titanium skeleton or a Tupperware spleen. I use 10 percent of my brain. I’m sure some servos and chippy thingies would push it a little more. Changing gears, maybe your relative youngness can explain Lady Gaga. I say no-talent hack freakshow. Prove me wrong.

Perkins: Lady Gaga is on her way to the land of overexposure. Her music is easy on the ears, if you’re into thoughtless pop. Her wardrobe keeps her in the weekly rag magazines. I am still deeply disturbed by her MTV VMA performance, but intrigued by her originality. Did you know she is an uppity, private school-educated New Yorker?

Meo: Well then, I dislike her even more. Originality? Is that what they call it these days? And now for a segment I like to call “Let’s get smarterer.” Quick, who’s Carol Greider? Hint, she’s Monday afternoon’s top search on Yahoo!

Perkins: OK, originality may not be the word. It’s certainly something different. I’ll take “Female Scientist Who Won the Nobel Peace Prize” for 500. First off, congrats to three Americans for taking that prize this year. Secondly, two of the awards went to women. Not too shabby America.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She never thought David Letterman was funny. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. After eight years of marriage (this week), he does the same stupid stuff.

Culture Clash: ‘SNL’ has rough start, must have missed its morning coffee

Perkins: I’m going to be bold and since there is no FCC for print media lets start with the F-bomb? Props to the new “Saturday Night Live” cast member. I totally did a double take at 12:30 a.m.

Meo: We DVR “SNL” every week, because neither the wife nor I can stay up that late anymore. We also enjoy Bingo and Metamucil. We heard about it before we heard it, and if you weren’t paying close attention, you might have missed it. I was more surprised by her (Jenny Slate) reaction. She could have, probably should have just kept going. She recovered and the sketch went on. It’s not a big deal. Also, U2 is garbage. They looked so bored on stage. And three songs? Too much.

Perkins: It was a rocky start to the season. Such vulgarity hasn’t been dropped on the show since the ’70s. SNL is a DVR must if anything for Weekend Update alone. I bet most viewers get their daily dose of news from Seth Meyers. Maybe you should give Starbucks instant coffee a try for those late nights.

Meo: Meyers is a highlight, especially the “Really?” segments. I think Megan Fox ... hard ... to ... think ... where was I? Oh, right, I think SHE had garbage material to work with, but she did a nice job anyway. It’s brutal when a host can’t look away from the cue cards. She didn’t seem to need them. The second Digital Short was probably the best sketch, and that took a while to develop. The commercial for the instant coffee is probably better than the coffee. Starbucks gets two jittery thumbs down for quality and price.

Perkins: Megan must have practiced her lines a lot. I still beg to differ she has any discernible talent. Coffee is in the spotlight these days between the special New England blend at America’s favorite fast food chain and this magical instant coffee packaged like that Crystal Light garbage. Maybe it has something to do with the chilly air beginning to blanket the East or maybe everyone is just really tired and in dire need of special caffeine.

Meo: You, ma’am, are a hater. I’ll speak no more about HER. Cumby’s is my new best friend. Giant cup, $1.05 (including tax) about eight varieties and I assemble it. Someone else making a cup of coffee for me usually leads to disaster. Credit America’s favorite fast food chain for playing up New England eccentricities (and hatred for all things New York) to shill a beverage. For the record, it’s sprinkles, all clam chowder is gross, does it matter which hurricane?, what’s a bubbler?, and the answer to “New York or ‘Chusetts” is “Connecticut”?

Perkins: I am a hater of many things but not coffee. In fact, I am not human unless I have at least one dosage of caffeine a day. I’m also a coffee snob. As a youngster on a budget I know I should brew at home but it just doesn’t taste the same. I like the non-eco-friendly, disposable cups. The regulars at my morning coffee stop rarely mess up a hot cup but on occasion they really blow the iced variety. I grin and bear for the sweet taste of motivation.

Meo: Morning rituals are nice, and I agree, home-brew doesn’t taste the same. There’s something about Styrofoam and plastic that goes so well with coffee, sugar and cream. Maybe it’s that the caffeine surge is temporary, but the environmental damage is forever.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She’s a two Splenda and skim milk kinda gal. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. Heretofore, Megan Fox shall be referred to with the all-cap pronouns HER or SHE for the sake of John’s choo choo ‘o thinkin’.

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Culture Clash: Web provides many things, except instant gratification

Meo: Perkins, this week I’m experimenting with release-date delivery after I was told I couldn’t preorder an item from a local store over the phone (and pick it up on my way home). So, why should I shop locally when I can save time and money with Amazon? Note this was a national chain rejecting my business, not some mom-and-pop store telling me they didn’t do special orders.

Perkins: Online shopping can be quite successful. Then again, it can be a nightmare. I’ve had both experiences. Items such as textbooks, specialty or last-minute gifts can be great finds on the Web. Clothes, shoes and certain online-auction items can be risky purchases. However, I like the thrill of the chase involved in real-live shopping.

Meo: Well, I am a people person, but I prefer the guys in brown uniforms that come to my door with boxes wrapped in clear tape. Blue also is acceptable. My thrill is tracking a package cross-country or up a coast to my door. Nothing is better than seeing “BOZRAH CT US Out for Delivery” on the Amazon/UPS tracking thingy. A couple clicks, a little patience and I have my item(s). The alternative is standing in line, watching someone try to figure out the card swiper, or write a check or just blather at the cashier. Clothes are the only exception. Otherwise, stores seem so last week.

Perkins: My No. 1 pet peeve is waiting for things. Five to seven days is too much time to wait. Also, for someone like me who has shopaholic tendencies, it’s extremely dangerous to shop online. Especially because smart companies such as Amazon like to haunt you with e-mails recommending other products. At least in the store, clerks know better, because we might bite their head off in person.

Meo: Yeah, I did that to some innocent Best Buy guy suggesting the service plan. Kinda felt bad, but that’s such a sham. I usually order ahead of time, in this case, a game that wasn’t out until Tuesday, so I’m not waiting, it’s waiting for me. Otherwise, I’m usually buying junk I don’t need anyway, so waiting isn’t so bad. Plus, they say the anticipation of the thing is better than the thing. It’s true, usually.

Perkins: Shipping and handling is a sham, too. Depending on the urgency, sometimes the postal fees can be as much as the product. You just have to be selective about what is worth it and what isn’t. Music junkies can pre-order entire albums on iTunes for way less than the store price. Textbooks can be scooped up for half price. Sometimes, if you’re on a real spree, online stores will wave the shipping fee. Geographically, I’m privy to lots of retail, so I’d much rather go for a drive and have same-day shopper’s euphoria.

Meo: And I’m the opposite. Nothing, or very little at least, is convenient. If I have to pay a little bit for someone else to bring my stuff, I’m fine with that, just don’t leave that “Sorry we missed you,” slip. So help you if you leave that slip!

Perkins: And you are one of the many who have allowed online shopping to thrive. Those slips are the worst, especially for us 9-to-5-ers. Perhaps I’m slightly jealous because I live in a condo and my mailbox is too small for most deliveries. So those looking to send me gifts should do so care of my grandma.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She's expecting her pair of Tom's shoes to arrive on Sept. 25. Seven days later. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. His tracking number is 1W8J26R313174237759.

Culture Clash: 1 star steals spotlight while another taken from it

Perkins: I don’t know about you, but I’m still talking about MTV’s Video Music Awards show. Lady Gaga scares the you-know-what out of me; Kanye West should only open his mouth to sing or rather, rap; and, I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift is going to be fresh out of material by the time she is 21. Tell me you at least tuned in hoping to a catch a faux pas or deux?

Meo: I didn’t realize MTV still ran the VMAs. I stopped watching, probably because I’m too old for music videos, but also because MTV ceased to be MTV and became — or rather led — the charge over the Reality TV cliff. I saw the clips on what I would normally consider reputable networks, CBS and CNN, and was impressed, but not surprised, Beyonce took control of the situation. Apparently West apologized, but it was too little too late, and likely scripted. Was Lady Gag the one wearing the feathers or thorns or whatever? That was a better act when Bjork did it.

Perkins: Sunday nights are well known for lousy programming. At best, there is a crime drama or an award show to occupy my time. Music television has certainly lost its mojo, but if you tune in for one thing, it should be the Video Music Awards, if anything, at least to see the music videos. Based on the turnout, I think its pretty fair to say it’s been an interesting year in music. I’m ready to see less Beyonce and more of her better half in 2010.

Meo: Either is fine by me. I’d like to see Jay-Z take a turn as host of “SNL,” but even now, rappers may be too ... Inappropriate, I guess ... for that crowd, and by “that crowd,” I mean, “white people.” The few rap acts I’ve seen on “SNL” never look quite right, even though it should be a perfect vehicle. I can think of at least two things that that occupy my Sunday night’s with regard to TV ... “Sunday Night Baseball” and “Football Night in America.” Year solved.

Perkins: You may want to spend this Sunday night revisiting some of Patrick Swayze’s best films. I don’t care what anyone says, “Dirty Dancing” is by far the best Swayze flick. It’s one of those movies that’s always on TV. As a kid, I would watch it and dance around the living room. As I got older, I paid attention to the plot and Johnny Castle.

Meo: I got a little misty watching the retrospectives of his work. Yeah, Swayze was a treasure, but I’ll take “Red Dawn,” (there’s no need for a remake, the first one was perfect) then “Road House,” then “Point Break.” “Dirty Dancing” is for girls (this coming from the guy who’s seen “Grease” 80 times). Shame is, Swayze was, by all accounts, a decent guy, and he’ll get maybe two days of coverage and be forgotten. We haven’t left Michael Jackson behind, and we won’t for a long time.

Perkins: Yes, the sexiest man alive circa 1991 had everything it takes to be a star: looks, dance moves, a hit song and has been married since 1975. Michael Jackson was weird, that is why the saga continues. Swayze was iconic but down to Earth. So, unfortunately there is not much fodder there. So we must move on ... “like the wind.’’

Meo: Oh no you didn’t. Oddly, he was the one actor of his generation that didn’t seem to embarrass himself in singer mode: Don Johnson, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy ... all laughable disasters, but not Swayze. Maybe because he could tear a man’s throat out with his bare hands. It amazes me he was 57 though. The years keep on marching by, stomping mud holes in all of us.

Perkins: It’s true. My kids are going to have no idea who Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon or Patrick Swayze were. They will be forced to remember people like Ashton Kutcher and all those Disney and Nickelodeon poptarts. They don’t make them like they used to.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. Despite a dislike for Beyonce, she is with Team Kanye. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. He wants you to be nice until it’s time not to be nice.

Culture Clash: Bush daughter probably not best source of information

Perkins: As if morning television isn't mind-numbing enough, we're gonna throw a Bush into the mix. Well, a Bush-Hager. That's right, Jenna Bush just landed a gig as a "Today" show contributor. Hmmm, wonder why? We'll see if she can be slightly more articulate than her father.

Meo: Wow, how mad is she? She squeezed out 14 and is still WAY behind. And broke. And about as stable as a Pogo stick. Sartre was nearly right. Hell is other people ... other people's children on TV.

Perkins: It's child abuse if you ask me. What's the normal-to-not-normal ratio there? They are home schooled, all play instruments and travel around in a bus. What does the media do? Give them a TLC reality show. Why not a variety hour? Just because you have a million children doesn't mean you should get a show, Nadya Suleman.

Meo: My dislike for morning news is well-chronicled in these hallowed columns, but I'll defend Mr. Bush. He wasn't as dopey as people think. The myth of his lack of intelligence simply took on a life of its own when it became completely acceptable to rip a sitting American president for any reason, legitimate or not. That said, I'll politely decline Jenna's news reports. I seriously doubt I'll learn anything of value from her.

Perkins: She joins the ranks of Joy Behar, Kathy Lee Gifford, Ben Stein and Moe Rocca - B-list names who are supposed to lend credibility, but just give us our daily does of infotainment. The hyphenated name doesn't fool me. I remember her college antics on the cover of US Weekly. Her stint will probably be short lived, much like the hyped up hurricane Danny. Too bad.

Meo: Stein is smart, the others couldn't Super Size a Happy Meal without audio instructions and six assistants. Speaking of infotainment, Edward Kennedy's funeral sure turned into a myopic circus. Funny how we forget the details *cough*crimes*cough* of a man's life and spout endless poetry about his "unflinching this" and "dedication to that" once he's gone. I know the thing with the Kennedys is generational, it's something I'll never understand, but such short, fuzzy memories we have. Plaxico Burress shot himself (yes, dazzlingly stupid) and got two years in prison. I wonder what would have happened to Plaxico Kennedy? Is there rehab for unlawful discharge of a firearm addiction?

Perkins: Stein does have some impressive credentials from back in the day. Since his days as a speech writer, he's been hawking eye drops and trying to find Ferris Bueller. As for the Kennedy clan, America loves them. And there will never be a comparable family. At least they weren't talking about Michael Jackson for a few hours. I avoided the media debauchery. I understand the coverage to a degree. However, that Duggar family should not get any media attention whatsoever. They are having their 19th kid. Gross.

Meo: Can you even tell the difference after four? Does Mrs. Duggar even have labor pains, or do the new kids just drop when they're done baking? Do you bother with names, or do you just yell and assume a tiny subordinate will build/retrieve/clean whatever it is you want? I can't even say 19 children is my worst nightmare, because that's one child. Beyond, and it becomes a blur of shapes and colors and smells that paralyze the soul and numb the mind. The dad's name is Jim Bob. Really? This has to be a Jeff Foxworthy routine and not, I repeat, not at all real.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She has the end of summer blues. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He won't get a flu shot, and he won't get the flu.

Culture Clash: After Vegas vacation, about three months of recovery time would be nice

Meo: All right Perkins, they say "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." But not when it comes to Culture Clash. Spill it.

Meo: Oh, c'mon Perkins. Did they make you sign a non-disclosure form when you landed in Nevada? Who'd ya see? What'd ya drink? What color was it when ya chucked it into the pool? Or do you not remember? Perkins: There are only a few details I'm willing, able and legally allowed to divulge. It's true what they say, and all those movie cliches are indeed realistic. Let's just say I could use a vacation after my vacation.

Perkins: Because my mom and nana are my biggest fans, I must abstain from the gritty details. Pinky swears were made to protect the innocent. Despite my BAC and the heat, I'm pretty sure I didn't hallucinate seeing Pete Rose with questionable arm candy at The Palms. He heard our whispers and turned around and said, "I apologize." Not sure if the apology was for the company he keeps or the whole gambling thing.

Meo: Or his hair? You know, despite your negative comments, if you flipped him a $20, he would have signed every piece of trash you put in front of him. I heard you were in proximity of Flavor Flav. Your eyes and ears appear to be functioning, so I assume you neither spoke to him, nor heard him speak. Or was Flav the questionable arm candy with whom Rose was consorting? Vegas, baby!

Perkins: I should have cashed in, but I was holding out for someone I like. My other pseudo-celebrity sightings included Jermaine Dupree, DJ A.M., Holly Madison and the guy who does the celebrity hairstyle tips on E! news. Yes, I saved the best for last - Flavor Flav, clock and all. I stayed a good distance away for fear of catching any communicable diseases. Yes, I still have all my limbs, an empty ring finger and most of my dignity. I'll probably go back.

Meo: I'd call that a successful venture. Congrats Horatio. Closer to home, little childrens far and wide are rending garments and gnashing teeth, for school has returned. Any fond memories of those heady schoolgirl days you'd like share? My parents would sometimes drive me to my bus stop, about a mile away - really, really. If we missed my stop, my dad would lead-foot it to the next one. At the time, it was tremendously embarrassing. Now it makes complete sense.

Perkins: Successful, yes. I'll be going to bed at 8 p.m. the rest of the week and maybe church on Sunday. I don't miss the early bedtimes, school lunches and first-day jitters. Now, I just can't feel sorry those kids after a three-month vacation.

Meo: It's funny, but throwing tennis balls at nuns, into traffic, and off plate-glass windows didn't seem bad at the time, but ... no, wait ... They still don't. Where was I going with this? Three-month vacations sure were nice, though. Nothing but empty days to do with as you pleased. - Wistful sigh, a single tear falls - How about that swine flu?

Perkins: Somebody was a rambunctious child. Why am I not surprised? I do enjoy the slowing of tourist traffic in my seaside town when summer starts to wind down. With the end of warm temperatures comes cabin fever. And you can bet your aces I'll be getting the swine flu vaccine come October.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She'll be spending the remainder of the week untagging herself on Facebook. John Meo is design director at the Norwich Bulletin. Not really at. More like toward. Or in the vicinity of. Near. Yeah that's it.

Culture Clash: Pop culture figures spawning early costume ideas

Meo: So, Perkins, I understand you're going as Kate Gosselin for Halloween. This strikes me as odd. Last year, it was Sarah Palin wigs. This year, some reality TV yutz, and both, we'll call them costumes, require only the purchase of a wig. What happened to really investing in a costume and going as a cow or a Christmas tree?

Perkins: My secret is out. Throughout the years my costumes have run the gamut of traditional or cliche costumes - princess, witch, hippie, etc. I find its much more fun to be a pop culture figure and poke a little fun. The wigs are going for $14.99 online. It's a simple costume: ridiculously spikey wig, fake tan, dangly earrings and let's not forget the wedding ring she is still sporting. Now, if only I could find eight adorable children to wander around me. I'm guessing you're "too old" too dress up. But humor me - who would you like to dress up as?

Meo: I've always had ideas but never acted on any of them, mostly because they were too expensive, but also because they required some amount of time to assemble. So, in the unlikely event I did attend such a party, it was as something goofy or embarassing. But I guess that's the point. I'd probably go as Indiana Jones. Nothing fancy, the ultimate Everyman. Plus, you have a whip. Never know, during the course of an evening, when one of those might come in handy.

Perkins: We'll leave that one alone. For me, the assembly part is one of the most exciting parts along with the reaction of others. We're pulling a retail faux pas by bringing up Halloween months in advance. I can't let the column go by without making mention of John Hughes. Though a product of the 1980s myself, I caught up on the teen angst movie maven's long filmography during my high school and college years appropriately. Many of his movies are timeless and I just can't pick a favorite.

Meo: "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." As if there's any contest. What teen didn't watch that movie and drip with jealousy or at least imagine experiencing that day? I'd say a close second was "Breakfast Club." Put the rest in whatever order you want. But Ferris is No. 1. Hands down.

Perkins: Good choice. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I know every word to "Home Alone." Say what you will, but it's a great movie. However, "Say Anything" has John Cusack. He's great. And, every family can relate to those "National Lampoon" movies. Regardless, all the movies had great characters and even better soundtracks. I don't know of anyone who is pulling that off for today's teenie boppers.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She's most likely "eating junk food and watching rubbish." John Meo is the design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He's too lazy to come up with a tagline this week.

Culture Clash: Rapidly changing technology makes patience difficult

Meo: Perkins, last week, my Xbox 360 had a general hardware failure, making it a $300 paperweight. But this week’s musings aren’t about video games, they are about American consumerism, because my first thought was, “Well, guess I’ll buy a new one,” even though this particular problem was covered under a specific extended-warranty program.

Perkins: So, what you’re saying is, you like brand-new things. I hear that, but technology can be so hard to keep up with. Why not go with the warranty? I got my digital camera fixed free of charge in a jiffy. I like to hold onto my electronics for at least two years before upgrading, even if it puts me behind the times.

Meo: Well, this console is about three years old, with a projected 10-year lifecycle. I certainly did the warranty. Microsoft provided free UPS shipping, so the whole thing will cost me $1.50 (local store’s surcharge) and about three weeks — the worst part. In fact, I’ve only taken advantage of a product’s warranty twice: This time, and with a laptop I was better off replacing. I eventually did, for what it cost me to get the first one fixed. I know it’s a matter of patience, and that’s a virtue, but you know, virtues are mostly overrated.

Perkins: I think technology is one of those things you need to pick your battles with. Sometimes warranties end up being complete gimmicks. Ten years is a long lifespan for anything that isn’t human. I am patiently waiting to upgrade my cell phone in September. Though, it’s killing me softly to watch all my friends upgrade to touch screens and smart phones. Consumers are suckers, myself included.

Meo: I have one of those touch-screen phones. It’s awesome. Of course, AT&T seduced me into upgrading by offering rebates and coupons and free activation and cookies, scrumptious cookies. I went from a smart phone (I bought accidentally and had no idea what it would cost) to a nifty little package with the snootiest of names. I will now accept your jealousy. Shame is, I can, and have, lived without this stuff — cell phone, satellite HDTV, next-gen video games, high-speed Internet —and I was no worse for it. I choose to, and happily, have and pay for this stuff because I want it. And I often want it now, sooner if possible.

Perkins: Yes, these convenient technological wonders have turned us all into Veruca Salt. I also have lived without text messaging, a Wii, wireless Internet, a light-weight laptop and a Flip, but why would I want to? Plus, if everyone else is doing it, especially my 20-something-year-old comrades, I have to be part of it. One of my Sunday pastimes includes fighting my sister for the newspaper circulars to see what new modern convenience is on tap. I’m saving for a flat screen TV.

Meo: Saving? Ever hear of zero-percent interest? Get on board Perkins. It’s a brave new world, and it can be bought with easy, immediate financing (for 18 months!), even in these difficult economic times.
Perkins: I’ve got enough bills to keep track of. Plus, it’s rewarding to save and purchase something big. It’s perhaps going to be a graduation or Christmas present to myself — something to look forward to. I don’t go for those zero-percent campaigns. I like to think I’m a careful consumer.

John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He thought buying on zero interest WAS careful consumerism. Emily Perkins is editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She can be found, weeknights, in front of the TV with her cell phone and laptop close by.

Culture Clash: Michael Jackson’s memorial service just as captivating as best restroom race

Perkins: In an effort to keep the Michael Jackson momentum going, I’m openly admitting to watching the public memorial in its entirety. It’s history and one day my children might ask about it. Though a bit tacky, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the King of Pop. I think I caught you peering at TV during work hours too, Meo.

Meo: Perkins, I own that TV for at least seven hours every day, but I’m usually watching CNN’s six minutes of news and two special reports on a loop. I feel icky for having watched the service. And the only thing keeping a full coating of filth from my skin is the hilarity of the performances. Mariah Carey was chasing flies, right? Stevie Wonder ... wow. And who paid for this thing? When I die, I fully expect Los Angeles taxpayers to reach deep into their pockets for a similar tribute. Worldwide donors, too.

Perkins: How fortunate for California to have this happen now — drumming up this elaborate memorial, bringing in droves of fans that will help alleviate its despicable debt. Can you believe people shelled out $20,000 in this recession? Lesson learned: Fans will forgive you posthumously. You’ve got to admit, the guy was a little creepy, but his music was original and will probably remain timeless. You can’t argue with me there. Get ready for the barrage of MJ remakes to hit the iTunes charts.

Meo: At this very moment (Tuesday afternoon), Al Sharpton is screaming/preaching at the crowd. Is he on Atkins? Maybe South Beach? Right on the heels of Magic Johnson talking about Michael dining on KFC. Usher had a well-timed, and not-at-all-planned, choke-up. And Brooke, dear sweet Brooke. A crescent moon? I was mesmerized, and not in a good way. Americans have crazy-short attention spans. He didn’t have to die for people to forget the allegations. His concerts were selling like crazy. But apparently funeral tickets/wristbands were more popular. There’s that icky feeling again.

Perkins: Nice segue. We’ll lay this one to rest and move on to the more important banter, such as the America’s Best Restroom Award finalists, none of which are anywhere near Connecticut, by the way. Is this another useless contest or a worthy cause? Go.

Meo: Well, Radio City Music Hall is in the running. That’s regional. Either way, fireplaces, imported marble, private suites ... I’m digging it. One features a “Zen-like atmosphere,” whatever that means. Hmmm ... The cork-covered walls don’t sound wise, though. On a scale on 1 to 10, I give its uselessness a 7, firmly behind the study to find out why candy wrappers make more noise in quiet theaters. Answer: It’s quiet. Seriously, that’s true.

Perkins: I wouldn’t hop a cab to travel to midtown to use the Radio City loo. I’ve been to camp, college, cities and foreign countries, so I’ve seen and experienced some of the worst johns. While the concept is comical, I’m skeptical of the vetting process. Shouldn’t there be a panel of experts traveling to test out the toilets?

Meo: Had to use “johns,” right? I think every person is a bathroom expert, by default. Sink, toilet, not much else to know. Does the toilet flush? Does the faucet spew not-brown water? Do I stick to the floor? If those questions are answered yes, yes, no, then the bathroom meets my standards.

Perkins: I was going for cliche potty talk. I agree with your standards. Just as I have been in some of the worst, I’ve also visited some decadent ones. In fact, there is a local establishment where a girl actual squirts the soap into your hand. The catch is, she expects a tip. That’s too much. I’m all for the sensored soap and paper towel dispensers. I’ve scoped the competition at www.bestrestroom.com

Meo: I’ll take my chances and be surprised. The fewer I use, the better. I’m sure somewhere out there, there was a stall in which I could have spent the afternoon, getting personally dispensed soap, watching a cavalcade of stars and weirdos lurch and stomp their collective way through Michael’s sad, strange sendoff. I wouldn’t be surprised if the people who performed at the service also expected tips, but probably much larger ones.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at The Norwich Bulletin. Favorite MJ song: Its a tie between “Smooth Criminal” and “Jam.” John Meo is design editor at The Norwich Bulletin. He’s pretty sure Michael Jackson had one awesome bathroom, including a soap valet.

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Culture Clash: 'Transformers' director would make even most mundane errand exciting

Meo: Perkins, I saw “Transformers” this weekend. Two observations: (1) Critics are pretentious morons. (2) Life would be way more fun if Michael Bay were its director.

Perkins: You got me on this one. My expertise surrounding Transformers and action movies and their directors is non-existent. I pay attention to reviews for the sake of comparison, but I won’t base my ticket purchases on Ebert or that E! favorite Ben Lyons. If life were a Michael Bay action production, I wouldn’t make it past the first hour. I loathe loud, obnoxious, big-budget, small-dialogue action movies.

Meo: “Transformers” was more than 21⁄2 hours. Fully two hours of it was an action-filled blur, and absolute assault on the senses. For about five hours afterward, everything around me crawled at this boring, excruciating pace. I wanted something to explode or turn into a giant robot and start fighting another giant robot. I would have settled for a meteor crashing onto Route 2. C’mon, the De Niro/Pachino diner in scene in “Heat” was cinematic history or whatever, but it’s got nothing on Optimus Prime fighting three Decepticons at the same time. He totally shredded one of their faces.

Perkins: I vote for cinematic history. Reality check: meteors coming out of the sky and giant robots plucking the casino towers off the ground would not be as amusing for us as it was for Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf. Clearly, choreography is key in those kinds of action takes. And there is something so wrong about this million-dollar remake being box office bank during this recession.

Meo: All right, imagine this: You go out to get the Diversity Committee’s lunch. But gasp! Metal slag is raining down all around you, in slow motion! You race to your car, dodging the screaming molten balls of death ... In slow motion!! You dive through the window, smashing the glass, jam the key into the ignition and peel out toward Stop & Shop. That ice cream cake only has minutes left! Burning rubber, screaming pedestrians, rampaging dinosaurs!! You get to the grocery, but it’s on fire AND the Japanese are bombing it. Not even Ben Affleck can stop them. You are lunchtime’s last hope!!! Are you with me so far? Have you noticed the growing number of exclamation points??

Perkins: Me and the ice cream cake would never make it. Is this some kind of weird dream sequence you had the other night after you saw “Transformers”? Sounds like the makings of a crappy summer action movie.

Meo: Crappy? I’m not nearly finished!!!! You come screeching into the Bulletin parking lot, but your driver’s side tires blow out and you’re rolling, rolling ... You come to a squealing, spinning halt in the lot and emerge with the cake ... and the wraps. You’re sprinting toward the door but you’ll never have time to cross the street, punch in your code AND outrun the magma monsters. So you hurl your last handful of pens at the number pad, plinking each digit in rapid succession ... The door swings open, you dive through, cake in one hand, tasty and nutritious wraps in the other. The door swings shut just as the magma giants and their trailing firestorm crash against the building. You, and more importantly, lunch, are safe.

Perkins: Well, really, let’s face it, as long as lunch is intact, that’s all that matters. Life moves fast enough for me without having to dodge fireballs or magma monsters. Though this scenario sounds like a video game or the classic summertime action flick. All that is missing is a hero (preferably a Paul Walker-esque stud), a soundtrack and a time limit.

Meo: I’ll leave the studs to the casting people. I think the big thoughts. But, of course, lunch arrives safely, that’s critical, but it’s the journey that’s important. Now, say you went out to get the wraps and cake but met only with tragedy. You see an injured puppy, but can’t help it and you weep for your lost innocence. A homeless person begs for change, but you can spare nothing, because you’re barely scraping by and your dreams of being the first bilingual, bi-racial nonpartisan, anti-apartheid astronaut are slipping away, because you have fatherless triplets at home. Ugh. Total downer. That’s barely worth an hour and 20. Who could stand more? And you know the final scene of that depressing mess is the cake melting in the rain at a funeral. I’m annoyed just thinking about it.

Perkins: Homeless astronaut puppies with pipe dreams could sell movies, if babies in sunglasses and singing guinea pigs can, anything is possible. I don’t like movies that don’t have plots. The best thing about those kinds of movies are the trailers.

Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She was just along for the ride this week. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin.

CULTURE CLASH: Some people just can't cut it in the kitchen

Perkins: This weekend, I turned the big 2-5. My mom has this tradition of making a poster for me on my birthday and displaying it in the living room. This year, she included a picture of me on my second birthday playing with a Playskool kitchen. Apparently, it was my favorite present. Now, I loathe the kitchen. I’m not a talented cook, I’m a lazy cook. I don’t know where things went wrong. Now that I’m a quarter-century old, I should probably conquer the daunting task of preparing a meal or two.

Meo: Well, you are part of the “Laziest Generation,” so, can I blame you? I enjoy cooking, but my menu is so limited, by sight, by smell, by whimsy. I cook only a few basic things, but I like to think I do them well. Of course, I’m sure my desire to cook at home is counterproductive to local businesses in these tough economic times, sue me. I don’t cheap-out on tips for service or delivery, but that doesn’t mean I like giving them when that money could go somewhere else.

Perkins: My excuses are being lazy and busy. I work all day and go to school at night. I eat on the go like most people. Plus, mom is a super cook. I think it’s going to take me being on my own to fend for myself. It happened in college. Sometimes. On the weekends eating is a social thing — even in these tough times, I like to go out for the atmosphere and accessibility. What’s your signature dish? Perhaps I can borrow the recipe.

Meo: I try not to write on any of my meals ... Nothing? Oh well, I like kabobs — chicken or steak — big salads and burgers. I could live on burgers of all shapes and sizes, but probably not for very long. Chop a little red onion and bacon and mix it with fresh ground beef, it’s fantastic. Add some tomato slices, lettuce, cheese, peppers, mustard, ketchup ... Mmmm. I’m not saying eating out isn’t fun, but I rarely have a pleasant digestive experience, no matter what I eat. It’s always too much or too little. I’m nearly impossible to please. It also depends where I eat. At home, it’s not so much. Here at the office, a whole pizza won’t make a dent, until it does. Bleh.

Perkins: Sounds exhausting. I’m on the lookout for a Bobby Flay-type to befriend. As sad as it sounds, and as wrong as it is to admit this, I’m that girl who burns toast. Half the time I forget about it. I never know what settings to use. I can handle maybe three steps. My family gives me grief about my lack of skills all the time. I get assigned to setting the table or pouring the chips into a bowl. Considering the dissolution of certain gender expectations in my “generation,” I don’t feel the need to get my Betty Crocker on.

Meo: Cooking is a hassle, but it is rewarding. I mother-hen people when it comes to eating, which I get from my mom. Thanks mom! But she’s also a great host. Maybe I got a little of that, too? Probably not. If I cook, you better be at the table. You aren’t? Why not? Sit down. I will get what you need. Is it cooked enough? Is it cooked too much? Is there enough? I said sit down. It’s a pretty awful, compulsion and I’m not working on it. My kitchen, my dining room, my rules. I doubt you would even get chip duty at my place.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She can’t cook but she can dance, write with her feet and speak German. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. If it comes out of the ocean, it ain’t goin’ in his stomach. Except tuna, but everyone knows tuna comes from a can.

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Culture Clash: Summer’s great, but we could do without carnivals, fairs

Perkins: This gloomy June weather is getting in the way of some of my favorite summer staples. Time’s a’wasting. I want to enjoy the beach, outdoor burger joints, my lousy tennis game and the list goes on. I love summer, but not everything that accompanies it. Circuses, fairs and those rickety makeshift parking lot carnivals are not for me. Are you a summertime kind of guy, Meo?

Meo: Oh yeah. I’m generally against the trappings of summer ... giant shorts, flip-flops, sandals ... But I’ll take a nice coating of sweat and sand over goosebumps and layers of cotton and leather any day. I even have a riding mower, so summer chores are almost fun. I just can’t seem to shake my cadaverous skin tone. I go from a morgue-like, boiled chicken color to roasted tomato in a heartbeat. Not cool.

Perkins: Sandals, the smell of sunscreen, barbecues, hammocks and lemonade are all great. When I was a kid, my friends and I would beg our moms to bring us to the local carnival that popped up in town in the middle of the summer. My mom would always fight me on it. It was a waste of money, the food was greasy, the rides weren’t safe and the employees looked like the pirates of the Caribbean. I always walked away with extra tickets, a seahorse full of colored sand and a stomach ache. Carnivals, fairs and circus entertainment dominate Eastern Connecticut June through September. I’m vowing to stay away from the hoopla this year.

Meo: I don’t need a vow. Avoiding carnivals is like breathing for me. I know those things are supposed to be fun, but even from the outside, they look — what’s the word? — infectious. I don’t find the food appealing, just expensive, and the rides ... I know I’ll die someday, despite my preference to the contrary. I’d rather have a standard obituary, instead of a brief in the bizarre news section of CNN that starts with “John Meo of blah blah blah was killed in a tragic Tilt-A-Whirl accident. John landed headfirst in a nearby cotton candy maker.” Not exactly the stuff of legend. Plus, carnies handling my Earthly remains is just weird.

Perkins: It shouldn’t be too hard to stay away as long as my sister doesn’t try to suck me in or the smell of fried dough doesn’t call my name during a drive by — who can resist fried dough? (Ed.’s note: John can). Clowns and balloons are probably two of the most frightening components of these tented spectacles, not to mention the stench of manure and hay. Plus, who pays $5 to see the World’s Funniest Mule?

Meo: Depends what jokes the mule is telling. Is it observational comedy? Is the mule a prop comic? I don’t do prop comedy. Ventriloquism is OK in small doses. The thing about fried dough is, it’s repulsive, no matter how much powdered sugar you heap upon it. Clowns are abominations, and should be outlawed. Clowns and politicians. I don’t have anything against balloons, but balloon animals ...

Perkins: Monkeys are funny. Mules, not so much. Elephants in bedazzled vests are hardly entertaining. And what is with those games that are nearly impossible to win? Throwing a ring around the neck of a milk bottle shouldn’t be that hard. And if all you’re going to give me when I win is a giant, stuffed Pokemon, I’ll pass. I sense fanmail coming my way.

Meo: Nah. You’d get fan mail if you suggested poking elephants with shock rods was fun. Which you didn’t. Or firing tiger cubs out of cannons into vats of babies. Possible fan mail for that. Or maybe vice versa. Babies out of cannons into vats of tigers. The games are pretty stupid though. Toss this football-size football through this baseball-size hole. One try for $2! Oh, so close sir! Care to try again? For the plastic, possibly lead-filled, definitely spontaneously combustible purple Teddy bear of questionable origin? You bet!

Perkins: Yes, I guess I could be clear. I do not support elephant poking or feeding babies to tigers or funny donkeys or rigged games. Carnivals and fairs are not for me. The sun better come out soon so I can take up water sports and daycations, while sporting my madras shorts and flippy-floppies.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. Yes, globophobia is a real affliction. Google it. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He has no idea what “madras” means, but is pretty sure he doesn’t own one.

Culture Clash: ‘Housewives’ shenanigans an addictive brew, no matter where

Meo: Hey Perkins, I know you’re a slave to reality TV, so, maybe you can answer this question? How many “Housewives” shows are there?

Perkins: By now, there is one in almost every major city. Rumor has it there is going to be one in Washington D.C., sans Michelle Obama. Though my allegiance will always be to the blonde, blingy, leathery Orange County wives, I’m intrigued by these teased, tan, smack-talking Jersey girls. Oh the drama. As a native of New Jersey, I’m sure you take offense to this cliched representation of the Garden State.

Meo: Yeah, I’m offended. Like “The Sopranos” offended me. Please. Facts are never offensive. The one woman I saw in an interview looks like Eva Longoria, if her face had been removed, beaten on a rock, sun-baked in Death Valley and stretched over a research cadaver’s skull. What do these people do and how did they get on TV?

Perkins: That’s a pretty accurate description. These women do nothing. They rear dopey children, keep up their appearances and cook for their greasy, money grubbing husbands. In return, they get to build their dream homes and buy things with big wads of cash. It’s the American dream, Jersey-style. I never want to be a housewife; but I sure do like to watch these materialistic mommies do their thing.

Meo: I doubt I could dumb myself down enough to watch, but I love that Jersey finally got one of these shows. That is a pretty sweet deal. I have a full barrel of insults I want to pour on them, but maybe, despite being the scum of the universe, they are the smart ones. They have the TV show, they have the cars, the houses, the money and the notoriety. Yup, I’m the fool.

Perkins: Oh it’s a trainwreck all right; but ratings gold. If you decide you can’t not watch — I suggest holding out until the reunion special for a recap of the season. Although, I don’t think the New Jersey wives will be as scandalous as the Atlanta ones, the season will bring more drama than the Orange County crew and maybe even the New York socialites. Mafia connections, stage moms and polyester make good fodder for reality junkies such as myself.

Meo: Speaking of junk, MTV’s movie awards were Sunday. Teen vamp-schlock “Twilight” was the big winner. The sequel is looming. What’s your level of excitement? Be honest. Robert Pattison ... International heart throb or skinny-jean wearing putz. What are the odds Kristen Stewart invested in some acting lessons?
Perkins: I haven’t watched the MTV movie awards since my high school days. Only the music award show is worth watching for the odd one-time collaborations. I could care less about “Twilight,” Rob Pattison or the over-rated Kristen Stewart. They make me feel old. And I’m not. I don’t get the hype. And from what I hear, the “Twilight” books are garbage.

Meo: Most stuff makes me feel old, which is why I spend way too much money on games and toys and such — for the delusion of youth. In the interest of self-defense, I didn’t watch the show, although I was tempted with Andy Samberg as host. I doubt I missed anything Earth-shattering. I find it disturbing ... startling ... puzzling, that credible actors — I saw Denzell Washington in a clip, he counts right? — show up for this thing. Sacha Baron Cohen, dressed as an angel/ valkyrie kinda thing landed face first in Eminem’s lap. Em was not pleased. I’m surprised Borat didn’t get capped.

Perkins: You buy toys, I buy sunscreen. The thing about those shows is, if anything outrageous happened (like the time the Rage Against the Machine guy scaled the stage decorations), you would be able to find it mentioned on one of the many gossip grapevines. I have a short attention span. I only pay homage to those “credible actors’”during the real award season. I may have a diverse television palette, but it can be discriminating and it certainly doesn’t involve Borat.

John Meo is the design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. High five! Emily Perkins is editorial assistant. She is looking for a real househusband.

Culture Clash: Jon & Kate score big ratings with a little bit of hate

Perkins: A few weeks ago, Seth Meyers addressed the controversy surrounding TLC reality stars Jon and Kate by joking they would each be getting their own show “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.” After the Season 5 premiere Monday night, it’s no joke the couple might be heading to Splitsville. It’s totally sad, but what’s more sad is I might have to start watching the Duggars if America’s favorite couple doesn’t reconcile.

Meo: Humor me, I’m old. What’s a Duggars? As for Jon and Kate, I could not care less about their marriage, their children, her new haircut, him allegedly sleeping with a teacher ... see how bad it is? I don’t watch this show, I know all this stuff, literally, by osmosis. Grocery store checkout, “The (Dreadful) Early Show,” you. They should rename the show “Jon & Kate Hate Each Other Because They Sold Their Souls For 15 Minutes of Fame Plus Their 8 Hates Them & They’re All in Therapy.”

Perkins: The Duggars have 17 children and apparently this qualifies them for a TLC stimulus package. What’s worse is all their children’s names start with the letter J. I don’t recommend it and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t intrigue you. Like most pop culture buzz, I can’t ignore the Jon-and-Kate controversy. They seemed like such a happy-go-lucky TV family. Now fame has reared its ugly head and viewers are being forced to choose sides.

Meo: I can see how being forced to pick a side in this epic showdown could be difficult, much like choosing sides in the King of Kong battle. For those not in the know, and I hope that’s everyone, E3, the huge annual video gaming convention is hosting a Donkey Kong championship thingie between ... well, the who doesn’t matter. Suffice it to say both guys appear to have been stuck underground in a mall arcade for the last two decades, although my research suggests Competitor A is a normal, well-adjusted guy (for a Donkey Kong expert), and Competitor B is a mullet-headed, self-absorbed, delusional doofus. Maybe those guys deserve their own TLC show, too. TLC still stands for The Learning Channel, correct? Maybe it should be TLCD. The Lowest Common Denominator, based on its programming choices.

Perkins: I know nothing of this Donkey Kong battle. Video games are to John Meo as junky reality shows are to Emily Perkins. Though Competitor A sounds like John Gosselin, whereas Competitor B sounds like Kate Gosselin — the villain? For some time, I didn’t comprehend the hype, but with some coercing and a vacant TV programming spot I caved ... and those children are so darn cute. The show will just not be the same if Jon and Kate are not sharing the couch. This is the best thing TLC has going for it and it’s all about to implode.

Meo: I remember when “Trading Spaces” was TLC’s best. It was so happy. Even when Doug Wilson or that uppity Hildie What’s-her-face experimented on some poor chump (or chumps). But c’mon Perkins, everyone knows Donkey Kong. Ape kidnaps plumber’s girl, plumber climbs ladders, leaps barrels and swings hammer to rescue her ... It’s all very dramatic, even in 8-bits (or maybe fewer). It seems Jon and Kate are heading (I hope) toward their own kill screen (Google it), and trust me Perkins, you’ll be better for it. I’m shocked it took this long.

Perkins: I was a big fan of Genevieve. TLC knows how to produce simple entertainment. Something that barely entertains me is video games. You know this. I’d much rather watch cute children bonk each other on the head and say the darndest things. I don’t see this storm winding down too soon because Season 5 has just begun. So be prepared Joel McHale, Conan O’Brien, Seth Meyers, Ryan Seacrest and all you other pseudo-pop culture critics. You are gonna have a lot to say about this one. Amy Poehler would make a killer Kate. I for one will be watching the whole time, because I buy into the hype.

Meo: I admit I was mildly amused by the “Mom to Monster” headline I saw on one of the store rack rags. But I assume a divorce means the end of the show, the end of the money. Conclusion: This is all an act. They made the decision to exploit themselves and their (alleged) children. Octo-moron nearly upstaged Jon and Kate, so drastic measures had to be taken. It’s just a shame those measures were so successful.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. Her advice to Kate: Loose the do! John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. His advice to Jon: Hang on to the dough!

CULTURE CLASH: Identity crisis more likely, compliments of the Internet

May 14 Norwich Bulletin

Perkins: Doppelgangers. Everyone has one. I have had several. By definition, a doppelganger is the ghostly double of a living person and often, they’re sinister. Most recently, my doppelganger has been sighted in cyberspace. So, I’ve officially been “doppelganged,” both physically and metaphysically. Where’s your doppelganger, Meo?

Meo: Oh, I’m often imitated, but never duplicated, or doppelganged ... Is that even a word? I say it isn’t. If we were playing “Mirror, Mirror” though, I’d likely have a good counterpart. At least, that’s what I’ve been told by many people for many years.

Perkins: It’s one thing to be mistaken as the fourth blonde triplet in high school. Or maybe your friends swear they saw you in line at the drive-through at McDonald’s (wasn’t me). It’s another thing to Google your name and find your work all over the place. If someone is going to serve as my doppelganger, let it be Olivia Wilde and not Hiliary Duff, as previously proposed. Who would be your celebrity doppelganger? (P.S.: I’m going for a word-usage record.)

Meo: I Google myself and get ... Myself. Which is probably a good thing, although I’m sure there’s some “guest” in this country rockin’ my Social Security number. Celebrity doppelganger? I’m pretty sure I’ve never been confused with someone on TV or in movies. If I throw a hoodie on, I look like the Unibomber composite, but who doesn’t? In high school, I had the misfortune of resembling David Koresh. Neither counts as a celebrity, right?

Perkins: Looks as if you’re a one of a kind. If I were you, I’d stay away from those creepy non-celebrity comparisons. Maybe I should consider changing my name to some absurd celebrity baby-type combination. It’s pretty clear no one’s identity is sacred these days. I can’t even buy my own domain because www.emilyperkins.com is taken by a brunette sci-fi actress. There must be a way to combat the doppelgangers. What would Andy Samberg do?

Meo: Samberg (and crew) would write a song and do a video featuring unlikely celebrity cameos in which those celebrities make fun of the themselves by wearing ’70s cop mustaches and velour tracksuits. Googling johnmeo.com returns johnmoe.com – no idea who he is – and variations of me, edited echoes of me appearing in publications scattered throughout GateHouse (I assume) ... yup, complete with archive video and that ridiculous mug shot (no, the other one). That settles it Perkins, I’m my own twin. Which you thought only happened in the South.

Perkins: I’ll refer you to Hulu for the Samberg interpretation. You win “most original” on this one. Congrats. As for my doppelgangers. I’ll find them one way or another. In the meantime, I guess I’ll go by Emily C. Perkins.

Emily C. Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She can be reached at various locations through the United States and via the World Wide Web. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He shot the wrong guy, didn’t he? Yeah, he did.

Culture Clash: Movie remakes and retakes — Some should be left alone

P erkins: Meo, my gripe of the week is movie remakes and retakes. I think movie studios are copping out in this recession and cranking out easy-to-remake popular or nostalgic franchise flicks. This recent “Wolverine” epic is clearly a retake on the popular “X-Men” series. How many “X-Men” movies are there now? The answer: too many. I want some originality for a $10 ticket.

Meo: “Wolverine” isn’t a retake or a remake. That would be tough to do when the “X-Men” movie franchise is only a few years old. “Origins” should be the big hint there. Likewise with “Star Trek,” to which I assume you’re also referring. This “Star Trek” takes place before the others, even the TV series, so, it’s a prequel yes, but it’s a fresh take on the characters and story. If a franchise works, I say run with it. Until it doesn’t. And the fans will say when that is. Besides, these two franchises are venerable and don’t get much more original.

Perkins: Prequels are just as bad. Did you ever see the prequel to “Silence of the Lambs,” “Red Dragon”? It was garbage. “Footloose” does not need to be remade. The Kevin Bacon version is a classic. Now that Zac Efron dropped out, we’re stuck with Chase Crawford. I don’t see the Kevin Bacon resemblance. “G.I. Joe” was a classic 1980s toy and cartoon, which is now going to be ruined by big, graphic explosions and Sienna Miller. Another take on “Star Trek”? Aliens, meteors, other spaceships, oh my! Maybe, just maybe I’ll give “Fame” a shot.

Meo: You’re jealous because boys get all the cool stuff. The “Transformers” sequel is going to be fantastic. “G.I. Joe,” well, that could be a mess, but it also could be non-vomit inducing. You’re not fooling anyone. You’ll be first in line for the “Sex and the City” sequel, because that is so necessary. I’ll buy into your “Footloose” annoyance, though. Not much to be done there. Who’s Chase Crawford?

Perkins: It’s not that I’m jealous of boys and their toys. It’s just that boys are so easily amused. Throw in some action heroes, blow something up and add a femme fatale and presto, instant dude movie. For the record, they should not be making another “Sex and the City” because the first one came full circle. It’s just greedy. Chase Crawford is part of the “Gossip Girl” ensemble and he’s hoping this cheesy remake will give him some solo spotlight. Oh, and here’s another: “Final Destination.” The word “final” is in the title!

Meo: Here’s a history lesson in “Final.” In 1987, “Final Fantasy” was released on the Nintendo Entertainment System. (I still have it, by the way, it was and is awesome.) In 2006, “Final Fantasy XII” released. In between, there have been countless versions and variations. In the world of money, there’s no such thing as “final.” The new trend is to announce a sequel while the predecessor is still in the theater. This is brilliant. I just wish I could announce a sequel, or even a prequel of myself while I’m still in my prime.

John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. Too many people joked this week he had swine flu. Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She totally thought Meo had swine flu.

CULTURE CLASH: Swine flu means Michael Jackson's facemask back in style

Meo: Hey Perkins, what’s the bigger disaster: Susan Boyle’s makeover, thus erasing her ugly-but-talented angle and angering Simon Cowell, or swine flu? Also, for bonus points, name the next global pandemic.

Perkins: I’m going to go with swine flu, because my throat is closing up, I can’t stop sneezing and I’m achy all over. Media hysteria? Maybe. Allergies? Probably. That Boyle broad was asking for help with eyebrows like that. She’s lucky. All these people dropping like flies from this presently incurable flu — not so much. Because farm animals plus flu-like symptoms equal pandemic panic, I’m going to predict bovine flu.

Meo: I don’t get flu, um, things. I get nausea and headaches. I am sick (yeah!) of the media banging the swine flu war drum. A baby died in Texas. That’s unfortunate. But for most Americans, this is a non-issue, and it’s completely irresponsible for people in suits to get up and stir panic. I wonder what happened to Boyle’s challenger, that kid ... Maybe he’s quarantined with swine flu! Bovine flu isn’t far out on the limb, Perkins. Have reptiles caused worldwide fear recently? I’m going with that. Reptile flu. Godzilflu. Patented. Mark it.

Perkins: If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “swine flu” this week, I’d have a lot of bacon (pun intended). I understand the precautionary measures, because if you don’t heed the advice, you’ll obviously fall victim. It’s Murphy’s Law. My question is: How in the world did it end up in New Zealand? Suddenly, everyone who sneezes is suspicious, myself included. I smell a Conficker-esque situation. Why are you still hung up on Susan when we’ve got a pandemic to pretend to worry about?

Meo: Because Susan is funny. She goes from a homely nobody to a youtube.com sweetheart to a self-absorbed quasi-poptart because she got a wax-job and a haircut. It’s not as if she’s going all Britney Spears on us. Yet. I am happy the air-filter is back. That’s as timeless as the three-piece suit. SARS? Mask. Avian flu? Mask. Swine flu? Mask. It’s something you can keep in your closet and know it’ll come back around. By the way, I called the CDC and reported you. Just in case. Sicky.

Perkins: The Boyle phenomenon happens periodically and people love a good makeover. Now, no more Boyle banter. Ironic how the face mask is coming back into the limelight just as Michael Jackson is coming out of the woodwork for his world tour, eh? If a mask is all that separates us from rapidly spreading illnesses, why aren’t we all wearing them everyday? Maybe they should never go out of style. The flu I can deal with, but it’s the other looming pandemics, such as a plague that would force me to be a shut-in.

Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. You might not recognize her with a mask on. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He’s ... never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Rickrolled ya!

CULTURE CLASH: A child shall challenge her: British singer has competitor

April 23 Norwich Bulletin

Perkins: So, in an effort to keep our fans engaged, let’s have another go at the Culture Clash mash-up. Topic one: Susan Boyle had just started to dissolve out of the headlines when England found her competition, 12-year-old Shaheen Jafargholi. Judges call him a young Stevie Wonder. Why are people surprised spinsters and children can sing? One’s outward appearance has nothing to do with vocal capabilities. I’m over it. Well, I was never into it.

Meo: Here’s why Susan Boyle is news. She’s ugly, and the media are shocked ugly people have talent, although if I hear her sing the first few lines of that same song again, I’ll pull what little hair I have out. I suppose it was inevitable to have her square off against ... well, anyone. The initial reports were made as if she had won the competition and everyone just went home. Leave it to a child to rain on Edith Bunker’s parade. Raining on media trollop Perez Hilton’s parade is some beauty queen from California (another brilliant segue). When he tried to corner her with a question about gay marriage, she shockingly(?) revealed she was against it. Oops ... She was honest in the face of a question obviously intended to get one answer, and not the one she gave. Agree or disagree, give her credit for standing by her ideological/religious beliefs. Also, Perez (not his real name) is a putz of the highest order.

Perkins: No matter what came out of Miss California’s mouth — the pop culture pundits would have had something to say. Everyone was expecting a nicely crafted, PC, pageant answer. I give her props for her bold answer, but she’s from California. Aren’t people out there liberal, open-minded and peaceful? She probably expected a question about world peace or charity work. At least she didn’t stumble down the stairs or have verbal diarrhea like beauty queens in years past. It’s 2009 and it’s just too easy to poke fun. Care to take a jab at Zac (no k) Efron?

Meo: Set aside Ms. Cali’s “in my country” bit ... we’re all in the United States, young lady ... and yes, high marks for honesty. Not so much for her complaining that’s why she lost. Efron’s the poor man’s Justin Timberlake. That’s what he’s going for, or all he’ll achieve, anyway. Culture Clash has a long-standing tradition of JT love, so by default, I’m hating on Efron. He had an acceptable turn on SNL a few weeks ago, but he’ll fade, I’m sure. The tweens will lose interest and the adults, who’ve likely already given a collective shrug, will look elsewhere for their amusement. Especially if he chooses to co-star with Matthew Perry in young-again rehash flicks or similar detritus.

Perkins: Efron does a mean Cody Gifford and I give him props for his “High School Musical” spoof in which he declared people don’t sing in the real world. (though we all know I wish they would). The planets certainly are not aligned when this messy-haired, triple-threat kid beats out box office veterans Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe. He can’t declare he doesn’t want to be typcasted, do the 10th remake of “Freaky Friday,” but drop out of “Footloose.” I don’t think he has tremendous staying power either, just like those Jonas Brothers. JT is a maverick. Still, I’m not a fan of either heart-throb. Final thoughts?

Meo: In the words of JT as Robin Gibb, “No, no I don’t.”

Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She has the pageant wave down pat. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He watches “The Early Show” four mornings each week, and loathes every minute of it.

CULTURE CLASH: No one had 'pirates' in the national security threat office pool

April 17 Norwich Bulletin

Meo: Hey Perkins, this week, I thought we’d serve up a Culture Clash smorgasbord, because lots of stuff is annoying me. First: pirates. Really? Some jerks in speedboats are the scourge of the high seas? We needed a SEAL team to rescue a boat captain, who never should have surrendered in the first place? Kudos to the SEAL team. I’m sure popping a couple of Blackbeard-wannabes was pretty close to shore leave for them, but how did we get to this point?

Perkins: Pirates are making a comeback and not the Jack Sparrow, swashbuckling, gold-collecting types. These guys are armed with heavy artillery, ransom demands and ninja outfits. According to network news, pirate attacks are on the rise, but we never hear about them unless our ships are under siege. And you know once this captain gets back home, he’ll be hailed as the next “Sully” Sullenberg. It really kept me on the edge of my seat this week, unlike the White House pooch.

Meo: Sully landed a plane on a river. Boat captain guy surrendered to some yahoos yelling “argh” and “avast.” Big difference, but nice transition ... I’m wondering why, on a Tuesday (and Wednesday) morning, in these difficult economic times, I’m being assaulted by the Obamas’ new dog, and Portuguese water dog-related “news” items. Is one right for you and your family? Sadly, this breed will get the Obama bump, but getting one isn’t like buying a jacket from J. Crew. Give it two months and we’ll start getting the “Obama dogs flood shelters” headlines. Apparently Joe Biden got a German shepherd, which came complete with death threats for the breeder. Maybe the threats came from the pirates.

Perkins: Seriously, pirates, bailouts, rampant unemployment and global warming really should trump Bo Obama. Instead, the press corps takes this opportunity to give us a history lesson on White House pets. Do I really need to know that Woodrow Wilson had a ram? It might help me on “Cash Cab.” Other than that, it’s useless. In other news, Dora the Explorer is now a tween.

Meo: Yeah, Dora really blossomed. Which apparently is a bad thing? I don’t know, I’m not familiar with her exploits and explorations, despite my vast, vast cartoon knowledge. What I do know is SpongeBob and Sir Mix-A-Lot are a match made in marketing-to-Meo heaven. The same people who are banged out about Dora’s maturation are probably the same people whining about BK’s rump-shaking awesomeness. If BK didn’t sling greaseballs and crusty bread, I’d be so down with that undersea freak.

Perkins: Too many tweens with their Twitter, exploitative fashion, lazy shorthand and million-dollar box office weekends. Dora should stay an adorable little, chubby adventurer. Classic characters: Mickey Mouse, Charlie Brown, Winnie the Pooh and SpongeBob never grew up and they still are still making a living. And nothing about the SpongeBob/Sir Mix-A-Lot team makes me want greasy goodness. I guess I’m one of those people.
Meo: I don’t know what “those people” means. Generally speaking, I don’t like the idea of cartoons evolving or being “re-imagined,” either. I caught three or four minutes of a new version of “Transformers,” during which two Constructicons were outwitted by a child on rollerskates, when years ago they wouldhave crushed her beneath their giant metal heels. Or at least attempted to. These villains were felled, I believe, by marbles and silly string. And this child looked suspiciously like new Dora. See? No one wins. Except Sir Mix-A-Lot. He always wins. Because booty is booty, pirate or otherwise.

Emily Perkins is news assistant for the Norwich Bulletin. She is neither a pirate nor a tween. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. Woodrow Wilson had a ram!? John hopes his jealousy isn’t painfully obvious.

Culture Clash: King of Pop gear can be had for cheap ... tickets, not so much

April 8 Norwich Bulletin

Meo: About 20 years ago, I wanted a red leather jacket. My mom said “no,” and probably used some tired old line like, “I’m not paying for that,” or “You’ll look ridiculous in that.” In hindsight, it was one of her better foot-down moments. But with MJ going back on tour, maybe it’s time to score one on my own. Take that mom! I’m 31. I’m a man!

Perkins: These tough economic times have even gotten the best of the King of Pop. Jackson is auctioning off 2,000 of his most-prized worldly possessions from his now-abandoned Neverland Ranch. I don’t know what’s a better buy: the bedazzled white glove or the oil-on-canvas painting of Jackson dressed as a Renaissance king. Mom never sprung for that Bedazzler. I had big plans for it.

Meo: I think tough times crashed onto the king years ... decades ago. I suppose you could pity the guy for his lost childhood ... Blah blah blah ... But the guy’s brought heat on himself in so many ways. But set aside his legal battles. What exactly should an audience expect from him? Considering how he painfully limped into a courthouse ... in his pajamas, will he be able to moonwalk? To kick and spin, grab himself, go to the toes and screeeeeeeeeeeam? Shamon, Perkins! SHAMON!! I say, no. When he was healthy, he lit himself on fire dancing for a commercial. Bad things are coming from this tour. Bad things.

Perkins: Old school MJ was the man. And like so many others, he gained moderate success overseas to sustain his fame. If people will flock to see the Spice Girls and New Kids on the Block comeback tours, they will definitely come out for Michael Jackson. Plus, comebacks are the new breakdowns — people love them.

Meo: I have more respect for the aging acts that never went away, and that’s not saying much (see early Culture Clash). The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Metallica ... At least those bands stayed around, however questionable or watered-down their material and shows became. But the ones that go away, go away for good reason ... one-hit wonders, niche/genre bands that sparkle and fade, just freaks and weirdos. Yeah, people pay, but they pay for the things they remember from 20 years ago. They ain’t gettin’ that.

Perkins: Fair enough. But it’s the only thing the guy has done his whole life. What other choice does he have? Carnie, Peter Pan understudy, sun screen spokesmodel? I think not. Plus, just in time for tax rebate season, you can sport your red leather jacket to an MJ concert near you. The auction begins April 22.

Meo: If only Obama had factored this into the $700 billion stimulus thingy. $50 million for Michael Jackson repopification. Now that’s money well spent.

John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He doesn’t have tickets for New Kids on the Block. Yet. Emily Perkins is editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She beat John to the punch on “these tough economic times.”

CULTURE CLASH: Conficker virus hasn't done much, but it could keelhaul us

April 2 Norwich Bulletin

Perkins: Hi, I’m Emily and I’m a Mac. Fortunately, this means I am immune to this nasty Conficker computer worm predicted to infect millions of PC users. Ha ha. Though, early reports don’t show much damage. Maybe Conficker is just a really bad April Fool’s joke.

Meo: Hi, I’m John and I’m not a complete simpleton fooled by marketing schemes ... But we’ve been down that Culture Clash path. Admittedly, I was somewhat concerned about this virus, as I’ve never been, despite it being called “Conficker.” Who names these things? But, a thorough scan of my powerhouse PC revealed no malicious software. I do think the virus was more a product of media hype than any real threat.

Perkins: Yes, 24-hour news networks have given Conficker its fair share of coverage. I’m sure the sinister Conficker creator is holed up in his basement cackling away. According to the numerous computer experts adding their two cents, the joke may be on us when the worm weasels its way into our bank accounts a week later. Because the world is ruled by computers, I don’t think we can take these threats lightly.

Meo: Here’s me. Here my tongue. Here’s me giving a big fat raspberry to the pimply faced, basement-dwelling Conficker creator. He wants my money. Let him come get it. He’s probably right now yelling at his mom to get him some meatloaf.

Perkins: Maybe he is, while simultaneously bringing PC users to their knees. We have police to protect the forests, the oceans, the malls — what about the Internet? Someday one of these underground forces is going to pull off a Web worm that commits a virtual Ponzi scheme. But maybe I’m paranoid.

Meo: I’m convinced the guy responsible for this whole thing is Steve Jobs, and his incredible shrinking technology. The smaller his products get, the bigger his bank account grows. But now he’s just cutting out the middle man. No more pushing iPod Nanos to the brainwaxed masses. He’s going all turtlenecked-nerd pirate on us. Arrrgh, prepare to be virtually boarded by me Trojan worm! But seriously, you just need an updated virus guard, and you’re fine. Until Skynet ... then, you know, apocalypse ... And money doesn’t matter. So that’s fine.

Perkins: Steve is on to something— that is why he is rich. Simplicity is key. Don’t most PC users click ‘update later’ on their Norton Antivirus? Those updates are a nuisance and take too much time. We might have dodged this digital bullet, but it’s never too early to start planning defense tactics to ward off future pirates, Trojans and killer worms.

John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He forgot to mention “these difficult economic times.” Emily Perkins is editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She preferred the days when the worm was a lame ’80s dance move.

CULTURE CLASH: When Earth Hour/Day comes, will you power down?

March 25, Norwich Bulletin

Meo: Hey Perkins, the hippies have won. Twice. Earth Hour is Saturday. Between 8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m., we’re supposed to power down our gadgets. April 22 is Earth Day. Same deal, for a WHOLE DAY! I’ll pass on both, thanks.

Perkins: I’m kind of crunchy. I’ll power down. Earth Hour is a good idea. It should take place periodically. Is it that hard to step away from electricity for an hour? Turn off the TV. You can still watch Saturday Night Live. Read a book, play a board game, talk face to face with a real person. It’s not the “hippies’” fault. Blame the technologically addicted, Web-surfing, flat-screen watching, SUV-driving materialists.

Meo: I spent too much money on my gadgets to turn any of the them off. One reason my TV is so big is so I can have multiple forms of entertainment going simultaneously. Alone, none is fully capable of pleasing me. Sure, I may be reading a book, but maybe I want to unpause the PC game I’m playing or check the news or post a picture to Facebook of me unpausing that game while checking the news. Maybe, in the secondary screen, I want to hop into a GoW2 match or watch an “NCIS” rerun. Possibly while I’m on the phone and/or texting and/or VoIPing. Yeah, I VoIP. At least, I think I do.

Perkins: Wow, you are wired. I’m sure there is a 12-step program for that. My tolerance for technology is growing weary so I’m happy to forgo status updates, tweets, my DVR surplus and ringing phones for an hour. We only have one Earth. But I guess greedy techie mongers cancel out my generosity. What’s the harm in taking a break?

Meo: The harm? Well, I may miss something. The beauty of being as wired a (Trekkie alert!!) Borg drone is I exist in a vacuum. Whatever happens outside my little electronic bubble is inconsequential. The noise of the TV, the hum of the Xbox 360 and the DVR and the computer ... those are the birds chirping and the crickets ... er, cricketing, although, I hate crickets. I find that noise relaxing, even if I’m not in the room. So, a few extra years of Earth for future generations, or a few more minutes of soothing, pointless blather for me. Hmmm ... Tough call. I pick me.

Perkins: Crickets are part of the circle of life. Perhaps we can compromise phone privileges in case of emergency. People lived for years without multifunctional entertainment doodads. An hour without them won’t kill anyone. Earth-shattering news will deliver itself in the form of a giant fire ball, Biblical flood or maybe a global blackout. If not for the Earth take an hour out for yourself. Rest your eye balls, your brain and your fingers.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She likes to stop and smell the roses. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He thinks roses are just fine, as long as they come in the form of Xbox Live downloadable content.