CULTURE CLASH: Conficker virus hasn't done much, but it could keelhaul us

April 2 Norwich Bulletin

Perkins: Hi, I’m Emily and I’m a Mac. Fortunately, this means I am immune to this nasty Conficker computer worm predicted to infect millions of PC users. Ha ha. Though, early reports don’t show much damage. Maybe Conficker is just a really bad April Fool’s joke.

Meo: Hi, I’m John and I’m not a complete simpleton fooled by marketing schemes ... But we’ve been down that Culture Clash path. Admittedly, I was somewhat concerned about this virus, as I’ve never been, despite it being called “Conficker.” Who names these things? But, a thorough scan of my powerhouse PC revealed no malicious software. I do think the virus was more a product of media hype than any real threat.

Perkins: Yes, 24-hour news networks have given Conficker its fair share of coverage. I’m sure the sinister Conficker creator is holed up in his basement cackling away. According to the numerous computer experts adding their two cents, the joke may be on us when the worm weasels its way into our bank accounts a week later. Because the world is ruled by computers, I don’t think we can take these threats lightly.

Meo: Here’s me. Here my tongue. Here’s me giving a big fat raspberry to the pimply faced, basement-dwelling Conficker creator. He wants my money. Let him come get it. He’s probably right now yelling at his mom to get him some meatloaf.

Perkins: Maybe he is, while simultaneously bringing PC users to their knees. We have police to protect the forests, the oceans, the malls — what about the Internet? Someday one of these underground forces is going to pull off a Web worm that commits a virtual Ponzi scheme. But maybe I’m paranoid.

Meo: I’m convinced the guy responsible for this whole thing is Steve Jobs, and his incredible shrinking technology. The smaller his products get, the bigger his bank account grows. But now he’s just cutting out the middle man. No more pushing iPod Nanos to the brainwaxed masses. He’s going all turtlenecked-nerd pirate on us. Arrrgh, prepare to be virtually boarded by me Trojan worm! But seriously, you just need an updated virus guard, and you’re fine. Until Skynet ... then, you know, apocalypse ... And money doesn’t matter. So that’s fine.

Perkins: Steve is on to something— that is why he is rich. Simplicity is key. Don’t most PC users click ‘update later’ on their Norton Antivirus? Those updates are a nuisance and take too much time. We might have dodged this digital bullet, but it’s never too early to start planning defense tactics to ward off future pirates, Trojans and killer worms.

John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He forgot to mention “these difficult economic times.” Emily Perkins is editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She preferred the days when the worm was a lame ’80s dance move.