Perkins: In an effort to keep the Michael Jackson momentum going, I’m openly admitting to watching the public memorial in its entirety. It’s history and one day my children might ask about it. Though a bit tacky, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the King of Pop. I think I caught you peering at TV during work hours too, Meo.
Meo: Perkins, I own that TV for at least seven hours every day, but I’m usually watching CNN’s six minutes of news and two special reports on a loop. I feel icky for having watched the service. And the only thing keeping a full coating of filth from my skin is the hilarity of the performances. Mariah Carey was chasing flies, right? Stevie Wonder ... wow. And who paid for this thing? When I die, I fully expect Los Angeles taxpayers to reach deep into their pockets for a similar tribute. Worldwide donors, too.
Perkins: How fortunate for California to have this happen now — drumming up this elaborate memorial, bringing in droves of fans that will help alleviate its despicable debt. Can you believe people shelled out $20,000 in this recession? Lesson learned: Fans will forgive you posthumously. You’ve got to admit, the guy was a little creepy, but his music was original and will probably remain timeless. You can’t argue with me there. Get ready for the barrage of MJ remakes to hit the iTunes charts.
Meo: At this very moment (Tuesday afternoon), Al Sharpton is screaming/preaching at the crowd. Is he on Atkins? Maybe South Beach? Right on the heels of Magic Johnson talking about Michael dining on KFC. Usher had a well-timed, and not-at-all-planned, choke-up. And Brooke, dear sweet Brooke. A crescent moon? I was mesmerized, and not in a good way. Americans have crazy-short attention spans. He didn’t have to die for people to forget the allegations. His concerts were selling like crazy. But apparently funeral tickets/wristbands were more popular. There’s that icky feeling again.
Perkins: Nice segue. We’ll lay this one to rest and move on to the more important banter, such as the America’s Best Restroom Award finalists, none of which are anywhere near Connecticut, by the way. Is this another useless contest or a worthy cause? Go.
Meo: Well, Radio City Music Hall is in the running. That’s regional. Either way, fireplaces, imported marble, private suites ... I’m digging it. One features a “Zen-like atmosphere,” whatever that means. Hmmm ... The cork-covered walls don’t sound wise, though. On a scale on 1 to 10, I give its uselessness a 7, firmly behind the study to find out why candy wrappers make more noise in quiet theaters. Answer: It’s quiet. Seriously, that’s true.
Perkins: I wouldn’t hop a cab to travel to midtown to use the Radio City loo. I’ve been to camp, college, cities and foreign countries, so I’ve seen and experienced some of the worst johns. While the concept is comical, I’m skeptical of the vetting process. Shouldn’t there be a panel of experts traveling to test out the toilets?
Meo: Had to use “johns,” right? I think every person is a bathroom expert, by default. Sink, toilet, not much else to know. Does the toilet flush? Does the faucet spew not-brown water? Do I stick to the floor? If those questions are answered yes, yes, no, then the bathroom meets my standards.
Perkins: I was going for cliche potty talk. I agree with your standards. Just as I have been in some of the worst, I’ve also visited some decadent ones. In fact, there is a local establishment where a girl actual squirts the soap into your hand. The catch is, she expects a tip. That’s too much. I’m all for the sensored soap and paper towel dispensers. I’ve scoped the competition at www.bestrestroom.com
Meo: I’ll take my chances and be surprised. The fewer I use, the better. I’m sure somewhere out there, there was a stall in which I could have spent the afternoon, getting personally dispensed soap, watching a cavalcade of stars and weirdos lurch and stomp their collective way through Michael’s sad, strange sendoff. I wouldn’t be surprised if the people who performed at the service also expected tips, but probably much larger ones.
Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at The Norwich Bulletin. Favorite MJ song: Its a tie between “Smooth Criminal” and “Jam.” John Meo is design editor at The Norwich Bulletin. He’s pretty sure Michael Jackson had one awesome bathroom, including a soap valet.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Culture Clash: Michael Jackson’s memorial service just as captivating as best restroom race
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