Culture Clash: We haven’t seen the last of infamous balloon family

Perkins: John Meo, 1, 24-hour news networks, 0. You called it (Meo’s note: Called it immediately). Balloon Boy was a hoax. Those crazies tricked us — most of us anyway. This story might be one of the worst I’ve ever heard. I love how the kid spilled the beans on “Larry King Live.” The Crypt Keeper can get anyone to ’fess up.

Meo: Well, what can I say? My skepticism pays off sometimes. The video of the balloon floating away and the dad kicking the chair was about as scripted a TV moment as I’ve ever seen. Plus, the weirdo was on “Wife Swap.” That is everything you need to know about him.

Perkins: In a twisted way, I wanted the boy to be in the balloon — and land safely, of course. For a short time, I was convinced little Falcon was in the Mylar monstrosity, but as more information was made available by the bumbling news anchors and their random sources, it became apparent the whole incident was a bust. The story is better than most scripted reality shows. Maybe they can sell their story from behind bars.

Meo: See, that’s the problem. Either way, those idiots win. It’s like sending a millionaire/billionaire to jail. Sure, there’s the jail time, but eventually that ends and swanky life gets back to normal. These people want publicity. They’re getting it, even if that means they’ll face charges and lawsuits. In time, some rag or TV station will ante up for the story and what should result in complete alienation results in a small fortune and said fame. Life works backward when it comes to the media.

Perkins: Thanks for the tip. I’m plotting as we speak. We can expect to see Balloon Boy and family resurface on one of those end-of-the-year countdowns. With news stories like that, I think we can prove TV really can rot your brain. On the other hand, a new study shows the Internet is good for your brain. Good thing I spend close to eight hours per day on it.

Meo: Yeah, and the study probably was brought to you by Microsoft or Google. Not buying it. Even at its best, the Internet is bad for you. It’s even infiltrated the language. Google (v.) to perform a search for information using a Web database (taken from its namesake) because memorizing facts is too much work. I’m online in some way or another about 19 hours per day. That’s horrifying. It’s like being in the Matrix without the comforting placental goo or the giant cable rammed into your brain stem. Meo ... Neo ... Uh oh. Maybe I AM The One.

Perkins: In all fairness, the study was conducted with middle-age and older subjects. Many youngsters spend countless hours perusing for junk. I’ve “Googled” some pretty odd things in my day. Using the Web isn’t rocket science, but it certainly takes some finesse, especially for a novice. There’s no going back.

Meo: I’m imagining a steak. And I’m an expert on kung fu and Sanskrit. Waiting, waiting. Nothing. No, there’s no going back, and we have some amazing resources at our fingertips, but I’m as guilty as the next person of wasting what should be infinite learning opportunities because oooohhh, look, Rasputin’s face is on this grilled-cheese sandwich (there’s a photo gallery!) or I want to know which ‘80s sitcom character I am. For the record, I’m Dan from “Night Court.”

Perkins: Not sure where you are going with that, but I think you have proved that you look up useless info. My mom likes to self-diagnose, read the news or find recipes, so she is generally doing productive things. Growing up, I would always hear about how TV rots your brain and can put a grown man (aka, my dad) into a catatonic state, especially on Sundays. At least the Internet keeps your fingers moving and requires some neurons to fire.

Meo: This week’s rapid redirect: Check the film review. It warns of “some sensuality, language, thematic elements and smoking.” SMOKING. The horror. “Thematic elements” are dangerous, everyone knows that, but we don’t need to be warned of smoking in movies, do we Perkins?

Perkins: Ugh, depends what they are smoking. This has been an argument for years. The cigarette tax is sky high, cancer campaigns are everywhere and the Marlboro man is nowhere to be seen. But, if people want to smoke let them smoke. There are so many other things I would like to be warned about.

Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She’s not afraid of swine flu. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. His brain reacts in funny ways to Peter Cullen’s voice.

Culture Clash: Added nickel makes soda, snacks easier to avoid

Meo: Had a few things on my mind this week, but what’s outraged me the most? A can of soda from the office vending machine now costs 90 cents. NINETY CENTS!!

Perkins: Soda should cost a lot so that we don’t want to buy it. In fact, all the junk should because I think I would be less likely to splurge. I am a sucker for junk food, sugar, additives, dyes and all the garbage. Though I am not willingly to part with my midday diet soda. It gets me by.

Meo: It makes more sense for me to drive out to a store and drop a buck fitty on two liters. My favorite part, however, is the lengthy (frankly unreadable) note shifting blame for the price hike. Oh, it’s the bottle bill? Really? I remember when the vending price was 55 cents. While I’m at it, the snack machine leaves quite a lot to be desired in terms of selection and price. It’s junk, but it’s accessible. Now it’s junk and undesirable. Not paying 95 cents for three ounces of fish and onion Cheetos.

Perkins: I did not read the memo because I knew exactly what it said because it was posted on both soda machines. I remember the good old days but the reality is we are catching up with the rest of the machines. The worst is when you scrounge up enough change and then your party mix doesn’t quite make the journey and is left clinging for dear life waiting for the next person to come along and score two.

Meo: I can neither confirm nor deny reports I’ve never been stiffed by a vending machine. But here’s a tip that may or may not dislodge any trapped snack: Lock your arms and drive with your legs. I’m a firm believer in no cookie left behind.

Perkins: Well I have and I want my money back. I wonder if Oprah uses the same force tactics on her guests. She has had some brutally honest guests lately included Whitney Houston and Mike Tyson.
Meo: Did Tyson try to bite Whitney? Shame that’s all that guy is remembered for. Ever read “Sidhartha”? Give it 20 years and we’ll have the sequel, “Oprartha.” Trust me. By the way, I just looked under my seat and found ... a neeeeew ca-AR!!

Perkins: That would have been great TV. He apologized for that incident by the way. He also cried uncontrollably. It was very compelling. Whitney’s interview was so crazy they stretched it on into two entertaining hours. Oprah does good interviews when she is not busy handing out swag and reading books.
Meo: Rapid redirect: Barbie has cankles? React.

Perkins: Says who? Based on the fact she is not built in proportion to a real woman I would guess that she does have cankles. Plus, she walks around in those Barbie-size stilettos. Where is Podiatrist Barbie when you need her?

Meo: Says some shoemaker. Mattel released a statement from Barbie. Not Mattel released a statement ABOUT Barbie or FOR Barbie. FROM. Isn’t that worse than some primped-up cobbler taking a shot at a plastic doll?

Perkins: What did she say? Let me guess: Mattel never made her wear those shoes. It was her choice to squeeze into those feminine, impractical, fashion forward designer torture devices. I’m pretty sure Barbie’s sister Skipper sports Keds. The only problem there is Skipper has flat feet. Oh, to be plastic. I’d say cankles are the least of Barbie’s problems.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. This week she added TIME’s top 100 novels to her bucket list. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. Has a stainless steel one on his list.

Culture clash: Some pursue beauty, youth; others, freakiness

Meo: So, I’m looking (Monday morning) at a perfectly attractive 44-year-old woman who thought she needed plastic surgery. She had fat (there wasn’t much) sucked from one part of her body and jammed into another — take a guess where. She looks unhealthy now, and fake, which she said she didn’t want. Of course, the orange-hued spray-on tan doesn’t help.

Perkins: I do not object to a few nips and tucks. Though I do think doctors say yes too often and poor, naive women end up walking out of the operating room looking like a cat or worse — Lisa Rinna. Plastic surgery should be used sparingly and with a certain amount of discretion. I might spring for Botox; thats about it.

Meo: So, you’d willingly, purposefully, have scorpion venom shoved into your skin? Wow, that’s tough. All for the sake of a youthful appearance. I heard the life expectancy of the average American born in the new millennium will be 100, and we aren’t far off from eternal life. I’m down with that. As long as it doesn’t get to me when I’m 80. I’d consider bionics, synthetic organs, having my brain transferred into a robotic body ... just not a face lift. Where does that fall on the vanity spectrum?

Perkins: I’m all for living to be a century old. I think I can accomplish a lot in 100 years, but it would be better if I looked good doing it. You have been watching too much sci-fi. I think the vanity spectrum has a lot to do with genes and geography.

Meo: Genes and geography have nothing to do with me wanting a titanium skeleton or a Tupperware spleen. I use 10 percent of my brain. I’m sure some servos and chippy thingies would push it a little more. Changing gears, maybe your relative youngness can explain Lady Gaga. I say no-talent hack freakshow. Prove me wrong.

Perkins: Lady Gaga is on her way to the land of overexposure. Her music is easy on the ears, if you’re into thoughtless pop. Her wardrobe keeps her in the weekly rag magazines. I am still deeply disturbed by her MTV VMA performance, but intrigued by her originality. Did you know she is an uppity, private school-educated New Yorker?

Meo: Well then, I dislike her even more. Originality? Is that what they call it these days? And now for a segment I like to call “Let’s get smarterer.” Quick, who’s Carol Greider? Hint, she’s Monday afternoon’s top search on Yahoo!

Perkins: OK, originality may not be the word. It’s certainly something different. I’ll take “Female Scientist Who Won the Nobel Peace Prize” for 500. First off, congrats to three Americans for taking that prize this year. Secondly, two of the awards went to women. Not too shabby America.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She never thought David Letterman was funny. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. After eight years of marriage (this week), he does the same stupid stuff.

Culture Clash: ‘SNL’ has rough start, must have missed its morning coffee

Perkins: I’m going to be bold and since there is no FCC for print media lets start with the F-bomb? Props to the new “Saturday Night Live” cast member. I totally did a double take at 12:30 a.m.

Meo: We DVR “SNL” every week, because neither the wife nor I can stay up that late anymore. We also enjoy Bingo and Metamucil. We heard about it before we heard it, and if you weren’t paying close attention, you might have missed it. I was more surprised by her (Jenny Slate) reaction. She could have, probably should have just kept going. She recovered and the sketch went on. It’s not a big deal. Also, U2 is garbage. They looked so bored on stage. And three songs? Too much.

Perkins: It was a rocky start to the season. Such vulgarity hasn’t been dropped on the show since the ’70s. SNL is a DVR must if anything for Weekend Update alone. I bet most viewers get their daily dose of news from Seth Meyers. Maybe you should give Starbucks instant coffee a try for those late nights.

Meo: Meyers is a highlight, especially the “Really?” segments. I think Megan Fox ... hard ... to ... think ... where was I? Oh, right, I think SHE had garbage material to work with, but she did a nice job anyway. It’s brutal when a host can’t look away from the cue cards. She didn’t seem to need them. The second Digital Short was probably the best sketch, and that took a while to develop. The commercial for the instant coffee is probably better than the coffee. Starbucks gets two jittery thumbs down for quality and price.

Perkins: Megan must have practiced her lines a lot. I still beg to differ she has any discernible talent. Coffee is in the spotlight these days between the special New England blend at America’s favorite fast food chain and this magical instant coffee packaged like that Crystal Light garbage. Maybe it has something to do with the chilly air beginning to blanket the East or maybe everyone is just really tired and in dire need of special caffeine.

Meo: You, ma’am, are a hater. I’ll speak no more about HER. Cumby’s is my new best friend. Giant cup, $1.05 (including tax) about eight varieties and I assemble it. Someone else making a cup of coffee for me usually leads to disaster. Credit America’s favorite fast food chain for playing up New England eccentricities (and hatred for all things New York) to shill a beverage. For the record, it’s sprinkles, all clam chowder is gross, does it matter which hurricane?, what’s a bubbler?, and the answer to “New York or ‘Chusetts” is “Connecticut”?

Perkins: I am a hater of many things but not coffee. In fact, I am not human unless I have at least one dosage of caffeine a day. I’m also a coffee snob. As a youngster on a budget I know I should brew at home but it just doesn’t taste the same. I like the non-eco-friendly, disposable cups. The regulars at my morning coffee stop rarely mess up a hot cup but on occasion they really blow the iced variety. I grin and bear for the sweet taste of motivation.

Meo: Morning rituals are nice, and I agree, home-brew doesn’t taste the same. There’s something about Styrofoam and plastic that goes so well with coffee, sugar and cream. Maybe it’s that the caffeine surge is temporary, but the environmental damage is forever.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She’s a two Splenda and skim milk kinda gal. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. Heretofore, Megan Fox shall be referred to with the all-cap pronouns HER or SHE for the sake of John’s choo choo ‘o thinkin’.

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Culture Clash: Web provides many things, except instant gratification

Meo: Perkins, this week I’m experimenting with release-date delivery after I was told I couldn’t preorder an item from a local store over the phone (and pick it up on my way home). So, why should I shop locally when I can save time and money with Amazon? Note this was a national chain rejecting my business, not some mom-and-pop store telling me they didn’t do special orders.

Perkins: Online shopping can be quite successful. Then again, it can be a nightmare. I’ve had both experiences. Items such as textbooks, specialty or last-minute gifts can be great finds on the Web. Clothes, shoes and certain online-auction items can be risky purchases. However, I like the thrill of the chase involved in real-live shopping.

Meo: Well, I am a people person, but I prefer the guys in brown uniforms that come to my door with boxes wrapped in clear tape. Blue also is acceptable. My thrill is tracking a package cross-country or up a coast to my door. Nothing is better than seeing “BOZRAH CT US Out for Delivery” on the Amazon/UPS tracking thingy. A couple clicks, a little patience and I have my item(s). The alternative is standing in line, watching someone try to figure out the card swiper, or write a check or just blather at the cashier. Clothes are the only exception. Otherwise, stores seem so last week.

Perkins: My No. 1 pet peeve is waiting for things. Five to seven days is too much time to wait. Also, for someone like me who has shopaholic tendencies, it’s extremely dangerous to shop online. Especially because smart companies such as Amazon like to haunt you with e-mails recommending other products. At least in the store, clerks know better, because we might bite their head off in person.

Meo: Yeah, I did that to some innocent Best Buy guy suggesting the service plan. Kinda felt bad, but that’s such a sham. I usually order ahead of time, in this case, a game that wasn’t out until Tuesday, so I’m not waiting, it’s waiting for me. Otherwise, I’m usually buying junk I don’t need anyway, so waiting isn’t so bad. Plus, they say the anticipation of the thing is better than the thing. It’s true, usually.

Perkins: Shipping and handling is a sham, too. Depending on the urgency, sometimes the postal fees can be as much as the product. You just have to be selective about what is worth it and what isn’t. Music junkies can pre-order entire albums on iTunes for way less than the store price. Textbooks can be scooped up for half price. Sometimes, if you’re on a real spree, online stores will wave the shipping fee. Geographically, I’m privy to lots of retail, so I’d much rather go for a drive and have same-day shopper’s euphoria.

Meo: And I’m the opposite. Nothing, or very little at least, is convenient. If I have to pay a little bit for someone else to bring my stuff, I’m fine with that, just don’t leave that “Sorry we missed you,” slip. So help you if you leave that slip!

Perkins: And you are one of the many who have allowed online shopping to thrive. Those slips are the worst, especially for us 9-to-5-ers. Perhaps I’m slightly jealous because I live in a condo and my mailbox is too small for most deliveries. So those looking to send me gifts should do so care of my grandma.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She's expecting her pair of Tom's shoes to arrive on Sept. 25. Seven days later. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. His tracking number is 1W8J26R313174237759.

Culture Clash: 1 star steals spotlight while another taken from it

Perkins: I don’t know about you, but I’m still talking about MTV’s Video Music Awards show. Lady Gaga scares the you-know-what out of me; Kanye West should only open his mouth to sing or rather, rap; and, I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift is going to be fresh out of material by the time she is 21. Tell me you at least tuned in hoping to a catch a faux pas or deux?

Meo: I didn’t realize MTV still ran the VMAs. I stopped watching, probably because I’m too old for music videos, but also because MTV ceased to be MTV and became — or rather led — the charge over the Reality TV cliff. I saw the clips on what I would normally consider reputable networks, CBS and CNN, and was impressed, but not surprised, Beyonce took control of the situation. Apparently West apologized, but it was too little too late, and likely scripted. Was Lady Gag the one wearing the feathers or thorns or whatever? That was a better act when Bjork did it.

Perkins: Sunday nights are well known for lousy programming. At best, there is a crime drama or an award show to occupy my time. Music television has certainly lost its mojo, but if you tune in for one thing, it should be the Video Music Awards, if anything, at least to see the music videos. Based on the turnout, I think its pretty fair to say it’s been an interesting year in music. I’m ready to see less Beyonce and more of her better half in 2010.

Meo: Either is fine by me. I’d like to see Jay-Z take a turn as host of “SNL,” but even now, rappers may be too ... Inappropriate, I guess ... for that crowd, and by “that crowd,” I mean, “white people.” The few rap acts I’ve seen on “SNL” never look quite right, even though it should be a perfect vehicle. I can think of at least two things that that occupy my Sunday night’s with regard to TV ... “Sunday Night Baseball” and “Football Night in America.” Year solved.

Perkins: You may want to spend this Sunday night revisiting some of Patrick Swayze’s best films. I don’t care what anyone says, “Dirty Dancing” is by far the best Swayze flick. It’s one of those movies that’s always on TV. As a kid, I would watch it and dance around the living room. As I got older, I paid attention to the plot and Johnny Castle.

Meo: I got a little misty watching the retrospectives of his work. Yeah, Swayze was a treasure, but I’ll take “Red Dawn,” (there’s no need for a remake, the first one was perfect) then “Road House,” then “Point Break.” “Dirty Dancing” is for girls (this coming from the guy who’s seen “Grease” 80 times). Shame is, Swayze was, by all accounts, a decent guy, and he’ll get maybe two days of coverage and be forgotten. We haven’t left Michael Jackson behind, and we won’t for a long time.

Perkins: Yes, the sexiest man alive circa 1991 had everything it takes to be a star: looks, dance moves, a hit song and has been married since 1975. Michael Jackson was weird, that is why the saga continues. Swayze was iconic but down to Earth. So, unfortunately there is not much fodder there. So we must move on ... “like the wind.’’

Meo: Oh no you didn’t. Oddly, he was the one actor of his generation that didn’t seem to embarrass himself in singer mode: Don Johnson, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy ... all laughable disasters, but not Swayze. Maybe because he could tear a man’s throat out with his bare hands. It amazes me he was 57 though. The years keep on marching by, stomping mud holes in all of us.

Perkins: It’s true. My kids are going to have no idea who Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon or Patrick Swayze were. They will be forced to remember people like Ashton Kutcher and all those Disney and Nickelodeon poptarts. They don’t make them like they used to.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. Despite a dislike for Beyonce, she is with Team Kanye. John Meo is design editor for the Norwich Bulletin. He wants you to be nice until it’s time not to be nice.