Culture Clash: Rapidly changing technology makes patience difficult

Meo: Perkins, last week, my Xbox 360 had a general hardware failure, making it a $300 paperweight. But this week’s musings aren’t about video games, they are about American consumerism, because my first thought was, “Well, guess I’ll buy a new one,” even though this particular problem was covered under a specific extended-warranty program.

Perkins: So, what you’re saying is, you like brand-new things. I hear that, but technology can be so hard to keep up with. Why not go with the warranty? I got my digital camera fixed free of charge in a jiffy. I like to hold onto my electronics for at least two years before upgrading, even if it puts me behind the times.

Meo: Well, this console is about three years old, with a projected 10-year lifecycle. I certainly did the warranty. Microsoft provided free UPS shipping, so the whole thing will cost me $1.50 (local store’s surcharge) and about three weeks — the worst part. In fact, I’ve only taken advantage of a product’s warranty twice: This time, and with a laptop I was better off replacing. I eventually did, for what it cost me to get the first one fixed. I know it’s a matter of patience, and that’s a virtue, but you know, virtues are mostly overrated.

Perkins: I think technology is one of those things you need to pick your battles with. Sometimes warranties end up being complete gimmicks. Ten years is a long lifespan for anything that isn’t human. I am patiently waiting to upgrade my cell phone in September. Though, it’s killing me softly to watch all my friends upgrade to touch screens and smart phones. Consumers are suckers, myself included.

Meo: I have one of those touch-screen phones. It’s awesome. Of course, AT&T seduced me into upgrading by offering rebates and coupons and free activation and cookies, scrumptious cookies. I went from a smart phone (I bought accidentally and had no idea what it would cost) to a nifty little package with the snootiest of names. I will now accept your jealousy. Shame is, I can, and have, lived without this stuff — cell phone, satellite HDTV, next-gen video games, high-speed Internet —and I was no worse for it. I choose to, and happily, have and pay for this stuff because I want it. And I often want it now, sooner if possible.

Perkins: Yes, these convenient technological wonders have turned us all into Veruca Salt. I also have lived without text messaging, a Wii, wireless Internet, a light-weight laptop and a Flip, but why would I want to? Plus, if everyone else is doing it, especially my 20-something-year-old comrades, I have to be part of it. One of my Sunday pastimes includes fighting my sister for the newspaper circulars to see what new modern convenience is on tap. I’m saving for a flat screen TV.

Meo: Saving? Ever hear of zero-percent interest? Get on board Perkins. It’s a brave new world, and it can be bought with easy, immediate financing (for 18 months!), even in these difficult economic times.
Perkins: I’ve got enough bills to keep track of. Plus, it’s rewarding to save and purchase something big. It’s perhaps going to be a graduation or Christmas present to myself — something to look forward to. I don’t go for those zero-percent campaigns. I like to think I’m a careful consumer.

John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin. He thought buying on zero interest WAS careful consumerism. Emily Perkins is editorial assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She can be found, weeknights, in front of the TV with her cell phone and laptop close by.

Culture Clash: Michael Jackson’s memorial service just as captivating as best restroom race

Perkins: In an effort to keep the Michael Jackson momentum going, I’m openly admitting to watching the public memorial in its entirety. It’s history and one day my children might ask about it. Though a bit tacky, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the King of Pop. I think I caught you peering at TV during work hours too, Meo.

Meo: Perkins, I own that TV for at least seven hours every day, but I’m usually watching CNN’s six minutes of news and two special reports on a loop. I feel icky for having watched the service. And the only thing keeping a full coating of filth from my skin is the hilarity of the performances. Mariah Carey was chasing flies, right? Stevie Wonder ... wow. And who paid for this thing? When I die, I fully expect Los Angeles taxpayers to reach deep into their pockets for a similar tribute. Worldwide donors, too.

Perkins: How fortunate for California to have this happen now — drumming up this elaborate memorial, bringing in droves of fans that will help alleviate its despicable debt. Can you believe people shelled out $20,000 in this recession? Lesson learned: Fans will forgive you posthumously. You’ve got to admit, the guy was a little creepy, but his music was original and will probably remain timeless. You can’t argue with me there. Get ready for the barrage of MJ remakes to hit the iTunes charts.

Meo: At this very moment (Tuesday afternoon), Al Sharpton is screaming/preaching at the crowd. Is he on Atkins? Maybe South Beach? Right on the heels of Magic Johnson talking about Michael dining on KFC. Usher had a well-timed, and not-at-all-planned, choke-up. And Brooke, dear sweet Brooke. A crescent moon? I was mesmerized, and not in a good way. Americans have crazy-short attention spans. He didn’t have to die for people to forget the allegations. His concerts were selling like crazy. But apparently funeral tickets/wristbands were more popular. There’s that icky feeling again.

Perkins: Nice segue. We’ll lay this one to rest and move on to the more important banter, such as the America’s Best Restroom Award finalists, none of which are anywhere near Connecticut, by the way. Is this another useless contest or a worthy cause? Go.

Meo: Well, Radio City Music Hall is in the running. That’s regional. Either way, fireplaces, imported marble, private suites ... I’m digging it. One features a “Zen-like atmosphere,” whatever that means. Hmmm ... The cork-covered walls don’t sound wise, though. On a scale on 1 to 10, I give its uselessness a 7, firmly behind the study to find out why candy wrappers make more noise in quiet theaters. Answer: It’s quiet. Seriously, that’s true.

Perkins: I wouldn’t hop a cab to travel to midtown to use the Radio City loo. I’ve been to camp, college, cities and foreign countries, so I’ve seen and experienced some of the worst johns. While the concept is comical, I’m skeptical of the vetting process. Shouldn’t there be a panel of experts traveling to test out the toilets?

Meo: Had to use “johns,” right? I think every person is a bathroom expert, by default. Sink, toilet, not much else to know. Does the toilet flush? Does the faucet spew not-brown water? Do I stick to the floor? If those questions are answered yes, yes, no, then the bathroom meets my standards.

Perkins: I was going for cliche potty talk. I agree with your standards. Just as I have been in some of the worst, I’ve also visited some decadent ones. In fact, there is a local establishment where a girl actual squirts the soap into your hand. The catch is, she expects a tip. That’s too much. I’m all for the sensored soap and paper towel dispensers. I’ve scoped the competition at www.bestrestroom.com

Meo: I’ll take my chances and be surprised. The fewer I use, the better. I’m sure somewhere out there, there was a stall in which I could have spent the afternoon, getting personally dispensed soap, watching a cavalcade of stars and weirdos lurch and stomp their collective way through Michael’s sad, strange sendoff. I wouldn’t be surprised if the people who performed at the service also expected tips, but probably much larger ones.

Emily Perkins is the editorial assistant at The Norwich Bulletin. Favorite MJ song: Its a tie between “Smooth Criminal” and “Jam.” John Meo is design editor at The Norwich Bulletin. He’s pretty sure Michael Jackson had one awesome bathroom, including a soap valet.

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Culture Clash: 'Transformers' director would make even most mundane errand exciting

Meo: Perkins, I saw “Transformers” this weekend. Two observations: (1) Critics are pretentious morons. (2) Life would be way more fun if Michael Bay were its director.

Perkins: You got me on this one. My expertise surrounding Transformers and action movies and their directors is non-existent. I pay attention to reviews for the sake of comparison, but I won’t base my ticket purchases on Ebert or that E! favorite Ben Lyons. If life were a Michael Bay action production, I wouldn’t make it past the first hour. I loathe loud, obnoxious, big-budget, small-dialogue action movies.

Meo: “Transformers” was more than 21⁄2 hours. Fully two hours of it was an action-filled blur, and absolute assault on the senses. For about five hours afterward, everything around me crawled at this boring, excruciating pace. I wanted something to explode or turn into a giant robot and start fighting another giant robot. I would have settled for a meteor crashing onto Route 2. C’mon, the De Niro/Pachino diner in scene in “Heat” was cinematic history or whatever, but it’s got nothing on Optimus Prime fighting three Decepticons at the same time. He totally shredded one of their faces.

Perkins: I vote for cinematic history. Reality check: meteors coming out of the sky and giant robots plucking the casino towers off the ground would not be as amusing for us as it was for Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf. Clearly, choreography is key in those kinds of action takes. And there is something so wrong about this million-dollar remake being box office bank during this recession.

Meo: All right, imagine this: You go out to get the Diversity Committee’s lunch. But gasp! Metal slag is raining down all around you, in slow motion! You race to your car, dodging the screaming molten balls of death ... In slow motion!! You dive through the window, smashing the glass, jam the key into the ignition and peel out toward Stop & Shop. That ice cream cake only has minutes left! Burning rubber, screaming pedestrians, rampaging dinosaurs!! You get to the grocery, but it’s on fire AND the Japanese are bombing it. Not even Ben Affleck can stop them. You are lunchtime’s last hope!!! Are you with me so far? Have you noticed the growing number of exclamation points??

Perkins: Me and the ice cream cake would never make it. Is this some kind of weird dream sequence you had the other night after you saw “Transformers”? Sounds like the makings of a crappy summer action movie.

Meo: Crappy? I’m not nearly finished!!!! You come screeching into the Bulletin parking lot, but your driver’s side tires blow out and you’re rolling, rolling ... You come to a squealing, spinning halt in the lot and emerge with the cake ... and the wraps. You’re sprinting toward the door but you’ll never have time to cross the street, punch in your code AND outrun the magma monsters. So you hurl your last handful of pens at the number pad, plinking each digit in rapid succession ... The door swings open, you dive through, cake in one hand, tasty and nutritious wraps in the other. The door swings shut just as the magma giants and their trailing firestorm crash against the building. You, and more importantly, lunch, are safe.

Perkins: Well, really, let’s face it, as long as lunch is intact, that’s all that matters. Life moves fast enough for me without having to dodge fireballs or magma monsters. Though this scenario sounds like a video game or the classic summertime action flick. All that is missing is a hero (preferably a Paul Walker-esque stud), a soundtrack and a time limit.

Meo: I’ll leave the studs to the casting people. I think the big thoughts. But, of course, lunch arrives safely, that’s critical, but it’s the journey that’s important. Now, say you went out to get the wraps and cake but met only with tragedy. You see an injured puppy, but can’t help it and you weep for your lost innocence. A homeless person begs for change, but you can spare nothing, because you’re barely scraping by and your dreams of being the first bilingual, bi-racial nonpartisan, anti-apartheid astronaut are slipping away, because you have fatherless triplets at home. Ugh. Total downer. That’s barely worth an hour and 20. Who could stand more? And you know the final scene of that depressing mess is the cake melting in the rain at a funeral. I’m annoyed just thinking about it.

Perkins: Homeless astronaut puppies with pipe dreams could sell movies, if babies in sunglasses and singing guinea pigs can, anything is possible. I don’t like movies that don’t have plots. The best thing about those kinds of movies are the trailers.

Emily Perkins is news assistant at the Norwich Bulletin. She was just along for the ride this week. John Meo is design editor at the Norwich Bulletin.